Don't Flip The Panic Switch

Lady in Red goes to bed. I come tumbling after.

2012-01-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

August 31^st, 2010

Journal Entry: “The last calendar day of summer! Ah-ah-ow! Ohand what a summer it has been… this is the first summer sincethe fallout between me and my mom and I see more clearly now what has become ofme since then. We are coming up onthe one year anniversary of those toughest months from last year where I was influx about staying or going and then leaving to live with CJ’s family. I think at more peace than ever is me,Danaroo the Glue. While its stilltrue that I haven’t found what I’m looking for in a girlfriend (though Red Ellen is pretty much the total package, FYI) I know that I’m still quite young and have many exciting andbewildering experiences to look forward to. Maybe after all that livin’ and learnin’ is done I can feelcomfortable with settling down and doing the whole family thing but as a hotshot twenty something why not live it up right?”

Straightening around the edges.

Thissummer has been great, once again being more joyful and entertaining than thelast. Pitchfork music festival wasso very awesome (so awesome that I had a have a drag from a cigarette afterSleigh Bells as if sex had occurred in their stead). Playing at the Kafé was so cool because I got to show off mymusical skills to a bunch of friends and a smattering of Polish elder populace. Lollapalooza had great headliners suchas The Strokes, Green Day and Arcade Fire. Filming musical acts and getting to post them was pretty radas well with London and Artists vs. Athletes. And of course, three cheers for Red Ellen.

Speakingor red things, I finally got my nosebleeds fixed after a lifetime of having todeal with them reoccurring so much I almost believed them to be just a part ofmy self, a physical characteristic never to be altered or explained. They were getting so bad recentlythough that I had to finally bite the bullet and check into the emergency roomfor a doctor’s opinion on the severe bouts o’ bleedin’. The doctor had to stick this balloon upmy nose which caused an excruciating amount of pain to my nasal passage andgeneral head area. I cried and flinchedaccordingly and began feeling quite sorry for myself as Cyndie the formerbabysitter looked on and brought me back down to earth with her assurances thatlife was hard for all and that for a lot of people, good things don’t comeeasy. Armed with a full bottle of pain pills and an ornery demeanorI camped out at her place for a few days as I waited for a nasal specialist to be appointed as my cauterizer. It was a nice respite to be taken care of as the infirmed hombre I wasat the time. She enjoyed thecompany as she always does. Carriehas left Cyndie and this has caused her to do a lot of stuff on her own now. Its good for her I think. It gives her more of a taste of thatthing I like to call freedom. Horrible, horrible freedom. That’s a reference to The Simpsons of course. I find freedom quite nice actually.

A drunk man and his party time with women.

September 2^nd, 2010

Journal Entry: “So I think that I amsleeping better now with the cauterized nasal passage because this morning forthe first time in a while I entered into REM sleep and had a fairly engagingdream. It involved me carrying afriend of mine through my old high school as I think we were being chased bysome black suited organization with guns or something. The hallways looked amazing justlittered with all this pep rally paraphernalia that popped out at me like itwas in 3-D or an impressive hologram. I carried who I assumed to be Yana Tamzarian, though I’m not quite surewhy. I guess she could beclassified as a former crush but its not like it would have worked out betweenus. As I got to know her shereally got to be flaky. Butwhatever, I like her body and that’s how she ends up in my dream. Me and Yana ended up being defended bythese mafia looking guys at a doorway from these other mafia looking guys asthey were shooting at us. I gothidden under a near table and that seemed to stop the bullets (which were beingaimed directly at me) from making contact. I was pretty cool. I think it would have gone further but I was woken up by the UPS guy(prick!) who said, ‘Wakeyou up again?’ to whuch I replied ‘Yep,but it happens’.

I didn't know I was in a video game world! Shit!

Iguess I’m a bit more understanding than your average package receiver, eh? Eh. The package was a letter from Securitas, Inc. saying that ifmy mom didn’t respond in 5 days she would be released from the company. She had so many chances to redeemherself and get back to work but it just never happened. She showed no effort. Never tried to get it alltogether. I wont let this happento me. Where she failed I willsucceed. Her despair will be myhope. A shining light onto us all.

Lita and my friend Andres @ Chicago Comic Con

September 5^th, 2010

Journal Entry: “And now fall is uponus. September has snuck into ourlives once again. The cold feelingrushes in and my story continues. I was a t a nightclub for the first time and I was hesitant at firstabout going but I’m hardly as scared of things as I used to be. It’s always just people doing thingsthat have been done in the history of humanity over and over again that havejust not been experienced by you yet. Like me and sex. Sex hasbeen had by billions and billions of people at least 10 trillion timesthroughout the course of time. Imean pharaohs and giants and a lot of people in dark caves up in the mountainswith no lube. Sex has been filmedmillions of times and I have watched hundreds of those videos but never have Ipartaken in sex personally.”

September 6^th, 2010

Journal Entry: “So I was at the nightclub dancing with Vamee and she was bumping and grinding with me prettyhardcore, guiding my hands around her short body, daring me to make somethingother than a dance move.”

Vamee and I hadspoken on the train recently as we both went downtown for variousendeavors. Her for school and Ifor work. She told me that shedidn’t have anyone to celebrate her 21^st birthday with because herinternet-boyfriend-from-the Marines-she’s-never-met wasn’t in town yet so Itold her if that was still the case by the time that day rolled around shecould hang out with yours truly. Iwasn’t trying to get sweet on her or anything but rather just trying to helpout a friend from being shut out on happy birthday fun times that we all shouldexperience at some point in our all too short lives. It was a pretty fun time actually. I got to walk down the street withRed Ellen, her friend Blue Jay and Ms. Birthday Girl Vamee in a harem of youngladies dressed to the nines in celebratory attire. Red Ellen is a big fan of corsets so she had no troubledrawing attention for herself and others whenever she was sporting one of thosequite tightening garments. Theouting went so well that Vamee, RedEllen, Robbie and I decided to hit up this nightclub called VIP in HoffmanEstates. Robbie was a guy that RedEllen had known for a long time and had recently returned from time overseas inthe army. He was very much intoRed Ellen and acted as if he were her boyfriend in many instances. Alpha male. That’s probably the most concise way to describe hisbehavior. I mean he wouldjust tackle her sometimes and make me watch as he showed how physicallydominant he could be with her.

I know whatyou’re thinking. And yeah, Ididn’t like him. But at least hewasn’t very bright so I had a huge advantage in that category which softenedthe blow of his perceived dominance.

September 17^th, 2010

Journal Entry: “Wow, I haven’t written inlike over a week, I better hop to it. To continue my night club story, Vamee was dancing all up on me (in away more sexually then I’ve ever had before) and it felt great to be all drunkand dancing up against a female body. But this was not the body I wanted against my own. As I danced, or rather in clothingbanged Vamee I couldn’t help but keep looking back at Red Ellen. Whether she was dancing with the go-gogirls or locking lips with Robbie to scare away potential Mexican suitors.”

After we gotdone grinding, Vamee asked me if I liked her and my response was, “You have aboyfriend!” so she asked me again and this time I was a bit more concrete with“We’re just having some fun” causing her to completely change her amorous moodtowards me and sit back down at the table as she continuously checked her phonefor messages from her internet-boyfriend-from-the Marines-she’s-never-met –that-was-also-flying-in-tonight.

Man that couldagot ugly huh?

Anyway, Ol’ Redhad no feelings for Robbie although he doesn’t see it that way though. He’s so overly attached to her and italmost makes me feel bad for this guy because of what Red makes him do for her. She says she’d rather have him outtathe way for good but she sure doesn’t match up her actions to that very well atall. They slept together for thefirst time recently and this has almost certainly complicated things evenmore. The two live together withone other girl who owns their condo and she prohibited Red from having sex withany men who moved in. Red pesteredher that she was craving some boning so her roommate finally caved after awhileand let them do the thing. Robbieis recently divorced and is looking for someone else to take care of & showaffection to and Red fits that description nicely to him. If he wasn’t so protective he wouldprobably somewhat likeable.

Somewhat.

We left withouta chance for me to dance with Red so I was a little disappointed about it but Iwas also the most hammered I’d ever been so… it was a fleetingdespondence.

At this pointyour probably wondering what Red Ellen really looks like. Well, think Winona Ryder from RealityBites.

Yeah, that's about right. A little more pale though.

At some pointduring my time knowing Red Ellen (apparently I didn’t journal about this but itprobably happened in August) I spent the night with her and Robbie justcleaning up her room and listening to a CD I made her for her birthday. After the cleaning had been done Redtold her roommate Robbie that she wanted me to stay in her room for the nightinstead of going home. He seemedupset but went to back to his room anyway without an argument. Red went in there and appeared to calmhim down a bit then shortly returned to give me some camo pants to sleep in forthe night. She turned the lightsout and we lay down next to each other. My heart was beating quite quickly once more as I braced for whatevershe was going to do with me. For awhile we just talked really… looked up at the dark ceiling she wished to havecovered in those cheap glow in the dark stars you see sometimes. I turned my body toward her and angledmy arm on the pillow as I listened intently to what escaped her mouth. She got closer and closer to methroughout the dialog until she was finally just a few inches away. I touched her nose with a few times insome attempt to make physical contact. She then grabbed my hand and fanned out my fingers against thesheets. And in that moment ofcomplete innocence I felt as though I had finally gotten through to her. She told me I wasn’t an asshole likeall the other guys. I caressed herhair and her pale arms for awhile after that. We still talked but in much more hushed tones. Holding her in my arms wassurreal. I was trying torationalize being with her for the next 10 years. I couldn’t sleep. I can’t remember if I even tried. This was what I wanted and for just a night, I had it. I savored it as much as I could butmorning eventually had to break us up from the moment that we shared. The next time I saw her was at therestaurant and she acted like it never happened.

It hurt. It did. But Iguess just being in that moment with her in the first place was a nice littleaccomplishment. Go me. Heh.

September 21^st, 2010

And now to takea page out of Red’s journal and make a list of the people in my life in via alist style format. And away wego….

….. wait aminute.

I can’t.

I’m reading overthese descriptions I wrote down and realized that I would be too muchinformation too put out there right now about my close friends. Usually I make the one year excuse formost of what I say because I wait at least a year to document an event in mylife. This time though, we’retalking about intimate descriptions about lasting relationships with people whoI would never want to disparage in any way so I’m thinking this list is gonnaneed more than a year before I share it with the world, if I ever do.

So with thatsaid, here’s the “Women in my Life” portion of that list.

Age: 21

Name: Red Ellen

Profession: Restaurantcashier

Years in associationwith myself: 0.5

I think I’ve probablywritten enough about her to make a person sick but here’s a bit more for yoursalacious pleasures. This girl,she confused the heck outta me for a while. Does she like me or not? Does she want to date me or not? Does she want to fuck me or not? Ugh. It wasvery mentally exhausting to be around her as all these questions spedthroughout my mind. As of now Isee her as I good friend. I mean Ihave to really. I no longer wantto date her, mainly bc ~~she hada chance to date me but did not pull the trigger. I think pretty highly of myself and for her~~ it would never work out. I mean it would be fun for awhile butonce reality were to set back in we would be two people with similar issueswhich love itself could not overcome. Her illness. My living situation. We both need people who are more stable. If she had asked me to date her earlier in our friendship Iprobably would have said yes even though in the back of my head I knew itwouldn’t have lasted. But now, I’mglad she never took me up on the offer. Somehow it worked out to where we can be friends. I still think that we will have sexsomeday for some reason. Heh… me and my cock. Seriously.

Age:22

Name: KILT

Profession: I’m notsure

Years in associationwith myself: 6

KILT talks to me way toomuch not to be interested in me. Istill haven’t been able to pierce her impressive veneer though. She has a boyfriend who I have just metrecently and he seems nice and all but young romances are known to be briefmore often than not so if I wait long enough she might just come free and readyto be dated my yours truly. But,who knows how long it will be if that is the case? I have played the waiting game long enough as it is and Imust put my self out there to see what exciting adventures lay just beyond thesteely gaze of KILT. Thosefeelings I have for her wont fade until I find another awesome lady, so I musttry. I won’t wait forever. If it ever happens that we date,great. If not, its something Iwill have to live with I suppose. But we shall see what happens wont we? Assuming I don’t die early by some lethal events such as aheart attack or some death by self atrocity, I should have a wild lovelife. Only time will tell.

So yeah. Those are the women in my life. Slim pickens, eh? Sure. Lotta folks out there though. I won’t be alone for long.

-DEB

2011-12-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

Whoa Baby! It's already time again for the yearly review of sounds in the current year. Damn how that shit just sneaks up on ya like an ever extending sonic boner. So once again, let's do this before my attention is thrown onto some other distraction from the pangs of loneliness and starvation! Jeahhhhhh-huuuuuu!

Okay, how about we start with... favorite TV theme of 2011.

Winner is: Allen Gregory
Just look up one of the episodes and you'll hear some of the best tunage animated scorers have to offer our awaiting ears.

Not a bad start. I'll continue onto... least favorite environmental noise in and around my home.

Winner is: Fallon Fox's same bassy electronic track that started late at night and ended early in the morning.
I mean she just kept playing the same Crystal Castles track on a loop for like seven hours straight! I thought once I woke up she'd have turned it off but I could still hear it going into the next day as well! I'm talking pisssssssssssssss! She must have been high or something. I hope I ask her about it one day.

Ooh, nice drug related story there. Didn't see that coming. How 'bout the best artist discovered in 2011 that most certainly started recording music earlier than that.

Winner is: Maximum The Hormone
There songs for Death Note were such a blessing of metal and punk influences, I mean I absolutely adored this anime for its story but "What's Up People" and "Zetsubou Billy" made it an all around addictive creation.

Hell yeah. Things getting really good right about now. Time to switch the focus onto the artist of the year with a song that most made me feel as if my musical tastes were maturing a bit.

Winner is: Andrea Bocelli
This guy's voice is so very beautiful and soaring and I wouldn't have discovered him unless I used this one website to hum a melody via webcam microphone which turned out to be the song "Time to Say Goodbye ft. Sarah Brightman". I had heard that melody such a long time ago and it stuck with me for at least a decade lying dormant inside my psyche only to reemerge one day to beautify my life once more. A stirring achievement in sound that will echo through out time for as long as people keep listening to music for enjoyment.

Beautiful. Just so strikingly beautiful. I'm really glad I did this. I'm glad I decided to string this list together after almost abandoning it entirely. Phew... that was cloooooooooose! Let's end this portion of the review with my favorite entrance theme for a professional wrestler in 2011.

Winner: WWE Champion, C....M.... PUNK! "Cult of Personality"
Obviously this song was not written in 2011, but its really more about what the song represents in 2011 rather than it's humble nineties roots. It's change. It's a new path to an old goal. One man's crusade to make what he loves, and what a whole lot of other people love... good again. Not everyone may care about wrestling but a man like Phil Brooks aka CM Punk makes you want to care more than anyone else this side of the Brahma Bull. The song is a perfect underscore to what the Straight Edge Savior now embodies to his legion of followers. He's the best in the world and the world is better off for it.

Now for my favorite live performances of 2011! I didn't go to nearly as many concerts this year as I did in 2010 as I scaled back my purchases due to a lack of funds and a surplus of responsibilities. Don't you just love when those two forces pound you into submission?

Yep. It's just as unfun as it sounds.

#10) Noah and the Whale @ The 20th anniversary of Lollapalooza, Aug. 7th
Great to finally see these guys live and they had the crowd going from start to finish even in the stingy summer swelter.

#9) Deftones @ The 20th anniversary of Lollapalooza, Aug. 6th
One of the few hard rock bands at Lolla and they did not disappoint the ever growing crowd as the amount of face meltage slammed right through the needle sign with a mix of essential classics and exciting new material.

#8) Bright Eyes @ The 20th anniversary of Lollapalooza, Aug. 5th
See number 5.

#7) Deadmau5 @ The 20th anniversary of Lollapalooza, Aug. 7th
An amazing sensory overload. Strobe lights and shit. Rain that causes mud up to yer ankles. Traffic cones in the pit somehow? Oh fuckin' yes. I was crumping my limbs like a possessed sexxx robot drunk on radium. Oh what electronic bliss. Lighting me up with some pumped up kids.

#6) Dir En Grey @ House of Blues, Dec. 18th
This was one of the few shows I attended in which I was accompanied by a friend. Going with friends has its perks but it can also lead to you having to compensate in other ways for the extra wants and needs of another human being. Andres, Richie and I waited out in the winter cold of Chicago for about 5 hours before getting all the way up to like the 2nd or 3rd row of the crowd. This crowd was very intense and battered me back and forth as the Japanese rock raged on with mystical screams and squeals. Andres gave me $60 to buy him a T-shirt and I lost it at some point during the crowd action so I bravely tried to grab a thrown drumstick amongst all the die hard fans and ended up with a pair of bent glasses and zero drumsticks as a result. I felt so bad but he was actually not as pissed as I imagined which was a relief. Thumbs up to The Birthday Massacre as well. A very good opening act.

#5) Bright Eyes @ The Riviera, Mar. 15th

I'd been dying to see these guys since I started college and discovered the brillance of the Conor Oberst project and they finally put out a new record and toured with it so I had no choice but to go and see them. The only band that I saw twice this year and both sets had their share of great arrangements of old favorites as well as more rockin' material from The People's Key. The man can do it live as well as he can on the records, if not even better. It still seemed like there was stuff they were playing I didn't know but it didn't really matter as what I did know shined very, very brightly in my two brown eyes.

#4) Eminem @ The 20th anniversary of Lollapalooza, Aug. 6th

Emimemories flooded back as he ripped through his 90 minute plus set of material from all across his much heralded discography with the masses chanting the chorus like giddy war cries from the depths of the heart. Any one who saw My Morning Jacket missed the party of the weekend with the now clean Slim Shady as the demented master of ceremonies.

#3) Destroyer @ Lincoln Hall, Mar. 29th

If it isn't enough that Dan Bejar and I share the same first 8 letters of our respective names but I also greatly enjoy the man's music which I hadn't really known about until the very beginnings of 2011. Ran into some friends from Loyola there before the show which was an added bonus. Dan bent down and drank a beer during the parts where his band jammed out and the crowd blissed out on head bobbin' bassy beats which are always a treat. Lincoln Hall is a great place to see a show and the intimate atmosphere makes every performance seem that much more special.

#2) Linkin Park @ United Center, Jan. 26th
What can I say? My favorite band at a venue I've never been to with a close friend of mine who digs the same kind of music I do... does it really matter what they sounded like? Haha. Well I suppose it does. They sounded pretty good, with a great amount of light action and surreal imagery as the backdrop to a great mix of Hybrid Theory, Meteora, Minutes to Midnight and the very experimental piece known as A Thousand Suns. I think its because I've heard the older material so much that it doesn't really do as much for me as their newest stuff does (Iridescent is pure gold live), but it all came together so very well and I couldn't have been happier to be in one place than I was in that raucous Chicago crowd screamin' out those meaningful choruses. :DDD

NUMBER ONE!!!!!
Who could possibly top my favorite band at a new venue with friend???
Well.....
Leave it to a gal from Mexico named Teri Gender Bender to topple the LP Party.

Le Butcherettes @ The 20th anniversary of Lollapalooza, Aug. 5th

This was the first band I was able to get my eyes on at Lolla as I was late getting there because earlier that day I was at the polar opposite place known as the Social Security Office trying to get my card for a new job I was getting hired for. So you can imagine my need to absolutely fucking jam out in the pit after being forced to endure waiting at a government owned office for any amount of time. They were excessively energetic (unlike the rather blah audience) and instantly transformed the stage into a cathartic raw emotion freight train and I was floored by it all. It seemed as if the crowd wasn't really wasn't sure what to do because most of them probably didn't know who this band was at all except for the fact that they were the fill in for Sleigh Bells. Hard to believe none of the rest of the shows that weekend could top the early first day slotted show from a band that was virtually unknown to most everyone in attendance.

Hey look! I got a photo with Ms. Gender Bender! Man I'm a cool guy, yes?

AND NOW MY FAVORITE ALBUMS OF THE YEAR

20.

"Sure it's Japanese. But man do they get heavy."

19.

"Amy's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. And she has not lost a step."

18.

"Video game noises never sounded so right"

17.

"Surprisingly good. A little folky business never hurt anybody"

16.

"This guy has some of the best rhymes in the world"

15.

"Another solid effort from a band named after mountain goats"

14.

"Glad I finally got around to liking these guys. I'm sure Don James is pleased"

13.

"Hard to explain. Maybe thats why I like it. Very complex."

12.

"Another blast from the past that was much appreciated."

11.

"Great for bike rides and taunting"

10.

"Very pertinent to the issues of today but also shines with a singular voice"

"Big sound for Florence sounds just fine to me."

"Hey you just made a record that a lot easier to listen to and enjoy! Nice!"

"The Coca-Cola of 2011 tunes. So very refreshing and hecho en Mexico"

"The opposite of a sophomore slump"

"Maturing a bit. They wear it well"

"Excellent mix of poppy and intelligent to really hook you in"

"The distorted ramblings of a vagrant never sounded so bright"

"Heavy or otherwise, they just keep churning out really good songs."

And my favorite album of 2011

Not much of a controversy here.

Just great tunes.

I love it.

Bye.

-DEB

Pillow Talk

2011-10-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

July 26^th, 2010

Still not sure what that asian character means. I really would like to though.

Journal Entry: “Andre Dawson was inducted into the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday. He said in his acceptance speech that the city of Chicago had treated him and his family so very well throughout his career there and that despite going into the hall as a Montreal Expo instead of a Chicago Cub the windy city was truly the wind beneath his wings. Now, there’s a guy who seems to understand the seemingly very difficult trait of being humble. Here’s to you Andre ‘The Hawk’ Dawson. My journal la seconderia is now ready to be written all over in. I figured I’d start it off with something I would likely never write about, current events. You know, like the BP oil spill or Rod Blagojevich or how people are just way too uptight about their sexualities. Well, I suppose I might write about that. Sex sells anything, especially standard journals like mine. I mean what do I write about? Family problems, girl difficulties, concert orgasms and how beautiful it is all around me as I write the words you now read (In a train, its dark, not because its night but because we’re docking).”

Stickin' my neck out for unmotorized transport.

OoooooooOooooOooooooo....

So at this moment I was back at the Jay Pritzker Pavilion catching the last of the New Music Mondays performances that were being held throughout the summer at Millennium Park. The final show featured Naomi Shelton & The Gospel Queens but the act that I was most interested in was the opener. Colombia’s own Bomba Estereo. I took some pride in seeing these guys as I was half Colombian and I have never really embraced that side of me before. An odd whiff of ham swam through the bowl seating area of this outdoor symphony hall. It hamily reminds me that my bank account is very much in the red and I won’t be able to cleanse it of its negativeness until my Blockbuster check fills those troublesome gaps in fortune. To a lot of folks, being strapped for cash is frustrating and embarrassing and theirs is a fair amount of that trust me but you knowwwwwww… its kinda freeing too. How do you spend money you don’t have? If you’re in the negative it negates having to be cautious about spending because the material isn’t there to be concerned about. Nigel bought me groceries for the week so I will eat, which always nice. You know right now I’m pretty satisfied with my life. The pacing of it at least is very satisfactory. I can see the bigger picture but most people cant. It’s all about mentally laying the groundwork for the future. I’d really like to be emotionally comfortable with myself at the age of 51. I’d like to do all the things I want to do as a young man and so far… I have. I was somehow able to competently write songs, sing and play guitar in front of a live audience. Surprise!

I’m no Cobain but just by fooling around with my little black classical nylon stringer named Mali I was able to craft some pretty decent stuff. I played my only four songs “Lady Alone”, “Teddy Bare”, “The Plunge” and “Capacit-E” to a pretty lax audience of some of my close friends which include a young lady who I haven’t seen in about 7 years.)

HOLY BITCH THORDENDE!

The performance just put on by Bomba Estereo was muy awesomeo! That Latino heat that Liliana Saumet was spitting from her mouth was molten lava hot! Ay! Ay! Ay! What a show, what a show! Jaysus Cristo… I am so proud to be half Colombian right now, it aint even funny. The music was at such a frenetic pace that it had almost everyone in a dance trance. Latin electro beats slicing through the warm summer air with rippin’ rhymes to complete the tear of our collective consciousness.

Ladies and Gentleman.

I want to have sex with the lead singer for a few reasons.

1.) What a smokin’ body!

2.) Her dance moves were suggestive of a person who had some serious rhythm, which, I hear, usually transfers to the bedroom quite well.

3.) She sounded as if she didn’t know much English, just a tease I bet though. She probably knows enough of the language to get by, lols.

When I was walking back to the train station some guy asked me if I knew where he could dump some acid, sell it I guess and I told him I didn’t know but that I’d like to take a hit some time. At first I thought “to dump” meant to completely get rid of it like flush it down the toilet but apparently not. Ah, the things you only learn by talking to drug dealers. Naomi Shelton and her Gospel Queens were pretty inspirational, like a black church if I could pin it down not so eloquently. Probably the closest I’ll ever get to one of those. Once again my perceived whiteness fails me…again. But anyway, I’ll miss this July when it ends. It’s been berry berry good to me. (Hey another Cubs reference!) I really needed a month like this so I’m glad it came through.

Fuego! Fuego! Fuego!

July 27^th, 2010

Journal Entry: “So let’s talk about Red Ellen a little bit shall we? Ms. Red Ellen. What can I say? I’m not sure. If you are reading this Red maybe you can write some words about yourself, go ahead, these lines are yours.”

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…enlightening prose there young Red Ellen, you certainly have a astuteness well beyond your years I’d say, I’d say. This kind of unique flavor in language and style is undoubtedly a result of your peculiar upbringing that involved gangs and the inner city for a young white girl. It has shaped you in a way that both attracts and repels simultaneously. You’re a steamy hot vixen princess with the cerebral qualities of a hired gun. An assassin draped in bloody red hair. She reminds me so much of myself. Wait, that sounds nothing like me! I’m gonna have to explain. It feels as if she was plucked from the nether regions of the universe just to be plopped into a cashier job at restaurant a few blocks away from my domicile in order for me to meet her and become severely infatuated. I mean that poison soup thing was a pretty unlikely scenario. If it wasn’t for that I would have never gone into that place and talked her up let alone gave her my phone number. I want to date her but she wants to be single. Gotta respect her wishes, right? All the guys around her just wanna sleep with her but I want more than that. Damn, missed my train stop. Gonna have to walk back for a bit. Ah, such is love?

Life is life.

July 28^th, 2010

Journal Entry: “The Strokes. They are a band that exists that’s for sure. I can’t wait to see them at Lollapalooza coming up next weekend. I still have to listen to that new album from the Arcade Fire “The Suburbs”. I glean from various online sources that it’s the best album this year. But back to Red… I had been going to her place of employment for the past few weeks in June stopping by to talk to her whenever I saw her there. One day I let her borrow a copy of my comic book called “The Alcoholic”. The next day she waved me over as I was walking by to tell me that she had finished the whole book in a day. She said she really liked it. She professed to being a secret nerd and that’s a bit of a turn on since most see me as one but I do have those same tendencies I guess, being obsessive about niche media like movies, TV shows, video games, etc. Now after that she says she’s off work in like 5 mins and she wants me to come with her. Whoa… a really attractive young lady is inviting me back to her place?!?! Yes, this is happening.”

August 1^st, 2010

Journal Entry: “Goodbye July, I kissed it goodbye. I took a walk to the serenity lounge in Wood Dale because I thought that my friends Trev and CJ might be there but this was not the case as they were actually at the Pyramid Club in Addison. I knew this even as I walked down Irving Park Rd. to check it out. I couldn’t resist the call of the night! As I walked back home I was doing my classic, ‘Touching things in an OCD manner when in fact I just set up little challenges to occupy the duration of the walk’ and I was pressing the buttons on the coke machine outside of Jewel. That’s when I ran into Kelly Tolliver and her husband Rob. This was the first time I could remember in which my odd antics were witnessed by a close friend. I played it off well though I think. They were renting a movie from Redbox and I told them I was still working on the script to the sequel to The Illinois Boys. I wanted to cast Rob as a trumpet player. Apparently he’s into jazz so it all works out.”

August 4^th, 2010

I keep getting sidetracked, sorry. The cliffhanger ending to July needs closure and closure it shall get. So she invites me over to her place and really nice I mean compared to my crap shacky domicile anyway. The word ‘domicile’ is dedicated to Ol’ Mark Carmen. He was an English teacher I had in high school. I’m pretty sure I remember him marking out when I used that word in an essay response. Right, so Red and I sit down at their kitchen table contraption and we talk of our lives and the issues that come with them not to mention chicken teriyaki and Funyuns. She talked of her time as a drug runner as a younger lady, which had the run of the mill jumpings and shootings to be wary of all the time. I wasn’t really shocked by these things though. She could have mentioned a story about porn star aliens that used her as an ass slave in 2008 but I wouldn’t have batted an eyelash. She had lived a pretty fascinating life. On her own since 16, born to parents who weren’t ready for kids, living with lupus and anemia while still excelling in school… that’s just bringin’ it, a lot more than Dwayne Johnson ever has had to bring it. After hearing all this I wanted to tell her how amazing she was but instead of going out on that flattering limb I settled on “I think your stories are amazing”. I can’t remember how she reacted to that but next thing I know we’re on the couch watching SpongeBob Squarepants (which see loves to watch) and I tell her the one thing I need to be happy in life is a pair of comfortable shoes. She asks me size, I say a paltry 81/2 we move on to me saying if she wouldn’t have stopped me I was gonna break in my journal at the forest preserve. I then grabbed said journal and showed it to her. More closure later…

August 10^th, 2010

Journal Entry: “Lots of movement at the Reel Story office this last two weeks with this new design firm moving in. Lollapalooza was very fun, but I mean why wouldn’t it be right? Arcade Fire, Green Day, The Strokes, X Japan, Metric, MGMT, Mumford and Sons and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros were the acts of the weekend. (I have some videos of me reviewing the three days including one zoomed in on my chest because I didn’t zoom back out before I shot. I don’t have them right now but one day I shall, I hope.) I’m glad that festival stuff is done though. All that walking around in the hot weather (actually all the standing is a bit more strenuous to be exact) just takes a lot of energy out of you. But at the same time I will miss it. It’s a part of me that I hope never dies.”

I approve of this laser jagger.

August 16^th, 2010

Journal Entry: “Crash down. Life has a tendency to crash down on you when you lose your will. But that’s not hard do t believe right? You do all you can to stay positive and one slip causes a major meltdown despite the reinforced mental stability.”

Anyway, I’m finally going to finish that story I think. You know, the one with Red and I. You’ve been left wondering long enough! Time to delve back in so let’s get to it shall we? So after I bring up my journal she takes me into her bedroom to show me her journal, which was the size of a high school yearbook. She began flipping through it and showing me the various lists, entries and drawings from back when she was younger up until present day. I guess we were just laying on the bed going through her inner thoughts that were scratched across the pages of this life text she had built up throughout the years. When I think about it now, she sure shared that with me pretty quickly. I don’t think I’d ever do that but under the right circumstances I guess anything is possible. I started to get a bit nervous thinking I might do something stupid like kiss her. Her dog Xander jumped onto the bed soon after which pinned both me and Red down on the bed next to each other. I felt very content with the way that happened. So content I just wanted to keep lying there for… oh, I dunno the rest of time probably. It was a big red blur of pent up romantic feelings that had gone unrequited up until this day so I really wanted to soak in whatever this moment was turning out to be. She was talking so softly now. It made everything she said seem so much more personal and open. I was effecting her in a way I wasn’t exactly sure how to perceive. Did she have feelings for me? Probably, but I couldn’t be sure. I was craving a situation like this ever since I last had a girlfriend a few years before this. The longer I was with her in that room the longer I wanted to stay. I told her I had never had sex with anyone and she said she was proud of me for that. She said if she could go back that she would waited too. At one point she was singing Regina Spektor lyrics to Xander and it was completely out of nowhere. She had me in the palm of her hand, figuratively not literally. In fact there was hardly any touching. No, I was going to be a gentleman about it and listen to her and be friendly as was dealing with a soon to be broken up relationship between her and the man she had been dating. So how did I get into the bed of a girl that was still dating another guy? Well, I could go ahead and say I was truly impressing her with my suave demeanor and forthright approach but alas, that conclusion would slowly be filtered out as I got more and more of an understanding of the complexities of dear Red Ellen.

August 23^rd, 2010

Journal Entry: “*swirly curled arrowssssss* Oh those homosexuals… why do they talk like they are all divas or something? This guy I’m sitting next to right now is like in his fifties but still even in his graying years he seems to be quite flaming still. (Hey look! An ignorant comment! Sorry!) In other gnus, there was a guy behind me @ this Jay Pritzker’d Pavilion yelling out non-sensical sentences like how “Barack Obama is dead” and that he’s “So glad that Ron Jeremy is president now.” I found that pretty funny I did, plus the sound of his footsteps were much to forceful for normal walking but he’ll be damned if his footsteps weren’t going to be heard. Damn him and his mental impediment! It just makes things louder! But seriously, I am here Mr. Sassypants; oh fucking cunts that is a major basket of nachos that old bearded fat guy has in the front row! Now, I don’t want to say that I would convert to Buddhism from my nothing to just have a handful of those ‘choes in my mouth but its pretty damn tempting!!! Silsu my jigger, its good to be here though as I catch a show from Clare and the Reasons. I have now just watched Clare and the Reasons in concert and I deem them ‘pretty good’”.

August 25th, 2010

Ya know, cherry pomegranate is an especially good filling for toaster pastries I gotta say. Really hits the spot. Also the more I think about that Arcade Fire show the more it impresses me. Standing there in that crowd for that monumental performance amongst tens of thousands it was so satisfying to be existing at the core of what was a musically beautiful movement of emotion. Green Day was great right away and The Strokes performance had to grow on me for a bit but that Arcade Fire show… its gonna live with me for awhile. I just can’t shake it and honestly I hope it never can.

Pitchfork '10. I'm surprised I didn't journal about this... cause it was the best concert pit of my life for Sleigh Bells!!!QQQ

Until we are one in the same I still be in this game,

-DEB!

In one ear and out your mother.

2011-08-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

May 22^nd, 2010

Journal Entry “Well its been more than a keen week and she hasn’t called me. I am going to have to see her and go into Cockles to just tell her just how much I would like to date her, lots of course. Every time I’ve walked by there now I’ve gotten pretty nervous, but I never go in there it will probably never happen so I’m going to be brave just like everything else I’ve done and simply go in there and do it. End of story.”

I had just about finished my third song called “Teddy Bare”. It’s a song about having hope while being homeless. Its actually a pretty boring song, just kinda long and droning. I play it mainly because of the cool opening lick , that’s about it. I guess it says a lot when even the songwriter is apathetic about a certain song. It looks like I’ll get to perform it with one of my friends JR at the Kafe in the audience so that will be a treat. JR is one of the main reasons I started to play there, seeing him show his creativity and technical performance. I wanted to do that too and I was encouraged to do so. So I did and here we are.

May 27^th, 2010

Journal Entry “I talked to her. I talked to Red Ellen. She’s so laid back, it was hard to read her and decipher how she thought of me. In that way we are very similar. She said that she’s enjoying the single life after being engaged to some other guy like two months ago. Despite that, she said she is ‘kinda’ seeing this 29 year old (she’s 20) who sings in a band. The one thing that stuck out was that she said she liked me. She didn’t have to say that, it just seemed to come out like it wasn’t a big deal or it was already obvious and didn’t need to be said. I awkwardly told her that I also liked her as well. That pretty much fell flat but that was definitely because of how obvious that was I mean, giving her my phone # then visiting her at work… how else would someone take that attention?”

We talked about a lot of random subjects after that before I had to go and catch the train. After that exchange all I could think about was where to go from there. Her and her pink hair and tattoos… I and my otherwise fairly pedestrian appearance… She did seem a bit shy. She said crowds gave her pseudo-anxiety and that she was terrified on the roller coasters she’d been on. That sounded like me from half a decade ago. I would love to date her, but if that never happens at least I’ll have had the distinguished opportunity to be her friend. She’s very bright like, MENSA bright and she could probably do whatever she wants with her life and I just wonder if I’ll be around long enough to see how it all turns out. One thing I do know for sure is that I have a pair of comfortable shoes now and this a great detail indeed. :D!!!!

June 4^th, 2011

Jammed out with my friend Kaleb today across the street at the park’s baseball bleachers. He wants to form a band by exchanging songs with each other but I didn’t think I was ready for that at this stage of my music evolution. I was just fucking around and I guess he was too but I just wanted to focus more on my solo stuff and m a y b e eek out a few more songs. Kaleb is a really sorta weird guy and he freaked everyone out a little bit whenever he was around at the Kafe. Later on this man would show me exactly why people were so uneasy around him.

Journal Entry “In other news, I got to talk to Red Ellen again. I was walking by Cockles waiting for some clothes to dry when she saw me coming that way so she waved me in as the lunch rush purred through the ins and outs of the restaurant. We talked for awhile as she smoothly handled all the people wanting their food, armed with cunning and register skill she deftly ran the counter like a pro. She always talks so quickly and with such flair, I really have to pay attention to make sure I don’t miss what she’s talking about. Her fiery red hair is a beacon of hope, of amazing things to come. I have, over these three times that I have talked to her concluded that I am strongly attracted to her and would like nothing more than to go with her and explore the world and give her a ridiculous amount of love. To see her laugh at something I do or say… heaven. I look into those dark brown eyes of hers and I get an energy blast run through me that I don’t want to cease. Once again though the amount of attention a woman gives me the more I will be into them. I can’t stop thinking about her. She has a boyfriend I guess at the moment so it will take some time if we ever can go out with each other. But, she is worth waiting for, if I’m willing to wait. I want to say yes but if I do move to Chicago I’m not sure if it can work out anyway. I’m so close, she’s right there. God dammit I don’t want to miss out on a girl so smart and funny, so beautiful and kind. One day I will tell her exactly how I feel but until then I will continue the feeling out process, wherever it will lead me.”

Writing that last passage and thinking about what eventually happens makes me feel no better or worse. Just happy for the total experience, I guess. No other way to really explain it.

June 13^th, 2011

Journal Entry “I played my first show on Thursday. It was a place called Swing State in Lake Villa. I almost didn’t get a chance to play because we got there after seven and I was supposed to go on a six. I guess the seven o’clock guy called in sick so I played in his spot. I was a little nervous despite the fact that there weren’t that many people there, less than 10, but I think that I play better in higher stress situations, like storytellers who thrive on the adrenaline coursing through their veins when the pressure is on. But overall I think I did well. I also found a new stage name, ‘DNA’. The lady who worked there misspelled my name on the list. Such an odd misspelling though to mix up three letters like that but it will go down in history as how I got my new stage name, DNA. I opened for Kaleb and Osvaldo Paese plus this quartet of grunge rockers known as The Blood Skulls. Ozzy, as I call him, was as always very good. The Blood Skulls and Kaleb had in common the fact that no one could understand what they were singing. Kaleb spent the last three minutes of his set doing something I found very, very funny. He smoked a cigarette. That was it. I couldn’t keep a straight face during that part. I mean when he was getting ready to start they asked him if he wanted his set recorded for $20. Priceless. Priceless because he said yes.”

I still couldn’t believe I played a show. I know it barely counts because it was a hookah bar but there was an admission to get in, so… show! On to Ms. Red Ellen who I chatted with once more. She was just sitting on one of the outside benches as I walked by so it was great timing. She had gotten a haircut but I didn’t notice right away. She let her hair down for the first time and it stunned me with a frenzied beauty, like a lion’s mane it was surrounding her head. I told her she looked like a super hero I think. You know its funny these relationships between men and women, women and women, men and men can be so important and tied to the human tradition. I do like to be different its true but this whole “love” thing is, as books, TV, and others have foretold… a great unyielding force. I mean you don’t see me writing about wanting to molest high speed asteroids do ya??? Naw, I’m talkin’ love dag nabit! Not spacial floaty junk! Fucking romance! Ya know?!? Hadaaaayyyymuuuuushhhh!!!!!!

I also took a long walk to Villa Park to get my guitty all tuned up with all the sanding and restringing a boyman like me could ask for on a video man’s salary. I don’t believe people say guitty any more but I’ll keep an ear out for it. I swear I almost died though. I was like 5 miles each way and the humidity was just plain nasty. I was the same day the Blackhawks celebrate their newly minted Stanley Cup Championship so if you remember what that day was like at all, you know what I went through like a complete madman as I troughed through the immense heat like a stone cold beast.

June 21^st, 2010

Journal Entry “The summer solstice is upon us. To many it signifies the 1^st day of summer. As I sit here in the condo I hear major rain come down and its accompaniment of slamming thunder. But the downpour and lightning frenzy seems to have dispersed and an overwhelming calm is what rules the moment now. Not really sure what to expect from the coming summer. Last summer was a major turning point in my life and its going to be hard for this summer to top it but I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I mean just to be happy and healthy and moving forward with my career is a blessing that not all can claim to have. I’m so glad to be me. To be free. This will be my first summer free of my mom, free from her selfish wants and so called needs.”

Yes nothing like getting down at Noise Fest in Elgin and hitting on some pretty girls to really pass the time. I’m there to film some more stuff for Artists vs. Athletes but its even cooler because there are a lot of other acts to watch and I did end up filming another artist named London Anderson who I really enjoyed, sort of a Tegan and Sara feel but more mainstream than that. I also danced a bit with rapper MOD SUN who I would later find in the pages of Rolling Stone about a year later for some contest he was in I think. I pulled the fest poster down from the entrance way as I left like a badass by the way. The summer was being awesome so far and I hoped that it would continue to get even better as the weeks went on and on and on. I like the idea of being an artist but don’t really know where that’s going to take me exactly. I do want to have some kind of security but not enough to create a lot of stressful confinement equating to massive amounts of unhappiness. A good balance is key.

LONDON video P.1

July 1^st, 2010

*Special Moment Initiate*

COMMENCE Operation diary death strike

Journal Entry “So it appears that this will be my final entry in this particular journal. There is just a single lined page left. As I sit here on the top of a hill I think back to all the stuff I’ve written here on these pages. Right now I will take a few seconds to read my first entry…

December 31^st 2007

I purchased this journal today from Dollar General, a local dollar store in Wood Dale. I lost my previous journal while moving things around from one condo to another. I’m sure it will turn up one day but maybe it was for the best. That journal was tainted with expectations of false meaning. This time I won’t hold back what I truly feel. I’ve said before I don’t care what people think and want to keep to that because if I can’t be honest with myself, who can I be honest with? Well, now that’s of my chest, let me get another thing off of it… I like girls that I cannot date and it drives me out of my mind. Pretty much since high school I have worked to find that special someone to love and be loved by. That one person that no matter how many times I see them, that buzz in my head never goes away. That pounding in my chest that makes me glad I’m alive. I like girls with dark hair, blue eyes and a lean figure. Yea, I know, sounds like discriminating against those who may not fit that description. I’m not. Those are just some traits that I find attractive in the opposite sex. Sure, they have to be funny and outgoing as well but as I’ve learned, you have to focus on a person as a whole and not divide them into good parts and bad parts. Eventually the bad parts will consume you and you’ll forget even what made you fall in love in the first place. That’s why Tracey and I didn’t last. I could only focus on her bad traits, the ones I didn’t like, and forgot why I liked her in the first place. So now I am left alone with my thoughts and feelings unable to express them fully on the outside. Until I can drive and have a decent paycheck I probably won’t be able to have a long term relationship but I can always hope that one day that girl comes along that sees past my shortcomings and can like me for who I am. I just feel so alone sometimes when my mind wanders to the subject of lost love. I am someone who loves to love and loves to be loved. It’s a crushing blow to know that I can’t just date who I want to date because she will be put through a lot as a result of my current situation. Now that I know what it feels like to make a connection with people and also to lose that connection I think I have learned to somewhat accept the cards I have been dealt and just hope for brighter days. That’s probably something I can improve on in the new year is being more accepting of a situation rather than always trying to change it. Who knows? Maybe I can somehow convince Katie Townsend to go out with me one day, that would be a dream come true. I always saw myself and her being so happy together but I don’t even know if she feels anything remotely close to what I feel about her. All I want to do her so tight and let her hair brush against my face as I close my eyes and just taking it all in and filling the void in my heart that cries out but would never be satisfied until this moment had finally come. This is what drives me. This is my burden, patience is a virtue, the smooth lips she has only push me closer.

Wow. From December 31^st, 2007. Almost three years ago. I seemed so weighed down then. Talkin about how in my current situation I couldn’t be in a long term relationship with a girl and how it crushed me not to be loved. That 2007 guy was in a dark place and what he didn’t know is that freedom was waiting for him just around the corner. The path would be filled with major pitfalls that would spell the end for most who might dare to tread above them but also shades of brilliance and joy that would have never been felt or appreciated if not for that journey. I am making my own way through life (whoops… fly down) *zippppppppps* and, it came quicker than I may have expected but its here and I am scared, a little, not too much, but enough to wonder if I can do this… but when I sit down and think about it, I mean REALLY think about it like I am doing now, I realize that its all on me. If I want to succeed in life I only have to bring the effort and it will occur. The perfect example is my manager Jim from Blockbuster calling me and questioning my effort in trying to sell Rewards, which is a program that gives you free rentals and other silly benefits. He would have probably fired me already if it wasn’t for the fact that I was pretty damn good in every other area of employeeism. I was mad at first, not a Jim but at myself for not trying harder to sell stuff. Sure, I hate passing off my hatred of the material world so that I can make a buck. But fuck! I do need the dough. To buy a new journal. Or I should say, pay for the one I already bought.”

WHATEVER___________________>

The final page.

Female Flames Burn Red To Me.

2011-05-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

So this girl on the train is staring at me with a big smile as she listens to her iPod. I am just sorta dumbstruck so I tell her she has a nice iPod or something and I also tell her that the one I have was given to me as a gift and she says that she got hers for free as well. At this point I’m not sure what her deal is exactly. Is she crazy? Lonely? High? Maybe she was all of the above. I ask her how her night has been going and she says its been going alright. I ask her if she’s been getting into any trouble and she looks around for a second until she taps the chair next to her and says that it would be easier to have a conversation if I was sitting there. Oh Hell yeah! This is going great! I can’t wait to see where it goes from here and that entire anticipatory hullabaloo. From what I wrote down in my journal we chatted about sock incidents and the 90s cartoon show “Duck Tales”. It just felt great to be talking to a pretty lady who seemed to be interested in me on some level even if she did feel a little out of it or something. She had nice teeth too and nice teeth always impress me. I crave that kind of attention, I do. But that’s anybody I guess. I think I’ve always lacked that kind of closeness to someone. Sure I’ve had a few girlfriends but I was never really that close to them. It was loneliness for the first and infatuation for the second. No strong emotional connection. I was young too so I guess I should have expected these things. I had those girlfriends in college but when I was in high school I couldn’t wait to get older so I could be in love with some woman in a red dress. No name, just an image of what I hoped would be my future romantic interest.

Pretty boy Malloy? Hardly. More like Vagrant Job.

Anyway, I’m just talking her up, seeing where the conversation takes us when she gets up and waits at the door for her stop. She says, “Hey, it was nice to meet you” and I’m still sitting at my seat as I say “Nice to meet you too!” That’s the best thing I could come up with on short notice. Eloquent, I know. The next ten seconds I agonize over whether I should ask for her number or not and I really have no reason not to ask her for it but my inner fears were blocking my mind from making that choice right away but luckily I overcame them in time and walked over to her before she left. “Do you have a phone number?” I ask. “Yes.” she responds. “Well can I have it?” I return. “How about you give me your number,” she says. I say okay but she wants it on a piece of paper to “See [my] quick hands.” She thinks I’m going to have to ask somebody on the train for something to write on and lose me but I had my Emily the Strange writing pad in my front jacket pocket and was able to write down my number and give it to her before she got off the train. I felt pretty great in that moment, as did every other girl chaser in their own right when they had just done what I had. No ugly future staring you in the face. No troubled past weighing the two of you down. Only that moment of encounter. Two lights streaking across the night sky crossing for an instant before continuing off into whatever lay ahead.

Her name was Laura.

And I would never see her again.

Nice teeth though.

Wish we coulda been doin' THIS!

April 2^nd 2010

Journal Entry “If she never calls me again, its cool… I mean it felt good (even great)to just have an interaction like that at all. But just that way she looked at me, such a cliché I know but I cannot discount that gaze. But only time can pass and events occur and I must be patient. Extremely good times are forthcoming and there will be a time and a place for those (otherwise they wouldn’t exist).”

I worked on this rendering project for a client that was a slideshow of pictures she took on her stay in Haiti. She was a DePaul professor and she was doing a presentation in which she needed the slideshow the next day so I had to wait for this thing to get done from 12:30pm Wednesday to 6am Thursday. It took 18 hours but it was just me waiting around for a computer to perform mathematical equations so its not like I was doing any actual hard work. Nope, just on my computer discovering new bands like Sleigh Bells and such. My little tinny laptop speakers don’t really handle bass all that well but what laptop does right? So I finally get the shit burned onto a DVD and get my ass up to Lincoln Park to deliver it to this professor and she actually hugs me, which caught me off guard. A hug? Wow. Didn’t realize it meant that much to her. Same thing with my boss, he sends me a text saying that I had a buttload of integrity. Hmmm, I wondered. Who says buttload anymore? Better yet, did people ever say buttload? I highly doubt it but it felt nice that my strong willed heart was being recognized in some way, buttloads and all.

I was still in a buttload of shittiness concerning my mom still trying to get back to Chicago. She called me still wanting that golden ticket home and I still flatly refused. I wanted her to be okay but I couldn’t risk her coming back to live with me and pretty much erasing all the progress I had made in getting away. No longer will I surrender to the wishes of others! My life will be mien own! FUCK YEA! Do, do, do do, do, do-do-do-, do, do, do, do, do, do-do! The bass line of my life bugai!

APRIL 11^th, 2010

Journal Entry “Sitting at the top of a tall hill in Itasca right now. I have been playing my first ever song w/music called ‘Capacit-E’. Writing a song was something I’ve done with lyrics but never with musical accompaniment. But hey, you know I just figured I’d see if I could do it and it appears I can! Being out here singin’ this song… I just couldn’t have imagined doin’ that before I picked up my first guitar. I can’t wait to sing it at the Kafe at some point, that should be really cool.”

Nigel and I seem to be getting along better. We went out and had a lunch and he’s still stuck on Sharon but I doubt she’ll be coming back even with Nigel having this new job. But I worry about him getting dragged under by her manipulative powers if she does end up coming back and marrying him or even just staying with him at all. He is so stubborn about it, really is and all I can really do at this point is listen to ‘em and watch what happens. He has told me that love is doing anything for a person to make them happy and living by that axiom can cause a load of problems. Cyndie is giving me these oddly placed lies that she explains are just misunderstandings. It looks like in June that my prospective roommate who’s-fake-name-I-can’t-remember-but-it-was-a-fake-name-so-I-could-just-make-up-another-one-and-it-would-have-the-same-effect-so-I’ll-call-her- Thals-McGorxena-Plasse will begin to start looking for an apartment in Chicago which will give us the freedom we require to both start up new lives as single folk in the city! Hoo-yah!

APRIL 15^th, 2010

Journal Entry “Wellp, back at the Salt Creek Forest Preserve practicing ‘Capacit-E’a few more times before I play it at the open mic night at the Kafe tonight. I’m a little nervous sure but its all in good fun. I still can’t believe I actually wrote a song that doesn’t sound half bad. If I don’t take that guitar class this most certainly never happens so I’m glad I took the chance for sure. I’m anxious to write the next one soon… most likely Lady Alone but we’ll see. Kevess Manlee is moving to the city as well and I asked if him and his roommate wanted to move in with me and mine. Still waitin’ on that. Also still waiting on a girl to date. Could it be Miss El Train Laura(probably not) or Miss OkCupid Tri-Sarah-Tops(even more doubtful) but I guess time decides all and off I go into my untraditional life! Whoooooooooooooooppppie!!!!”

APRIL 22^nd, 2010

Journal Entry “Just playing my guitar writing ‘Lady Alone’ as I sit at home after a long walk around Wood Dale and Itasca. The open mic event went really well last Thursday as I prepare for my 2^nd one going solo. I was really nervous and wasn’t sure if I could even do it but I just started playing and never looked back. So this time I will be kess nervous but still a little, lols. Anyway its seems that Carrie is intent on leaving Cyndie in a few weeks as she asked me to escort her to the Greyhound Bus station in the near future so that she can go back to Wisconsin. I guess she thought that Cyndie would be taking care of her and not the other way around. Its understandable. She just wants some kind of peaceful life and after all it would seem she has been through a lot so she deserves one. The Kevess Manlee thing didn’t work out so Thals McGorxena and I will once again ne on our own in finding an apartment. Still lookin’ to June as the month is goes down.”

Get the fuck outta here!!!!! I'm trying to blog!

No girly in my life yet. I mean I keep trying, I do. I keep an eye out for any girl that has that look about them, the artsy, long dark hair/boy cut with blue eyes… haha! Its just kind of a joke really but the dates will come, they will. Once I get on my way the prospects will grow but exercising all this patience can really become a chore after awhile. I mean its all I can think about most of the time, creating that special bond with someone else but the energy that pulls me into all these strange directions will likely pull me into the grasps and gasps of many an young maiden that will crack my hardened heart and let it smother them like a sweet strawberry jam. I guess in that sense the girl would be peanut butter with my jaminess to create the fillings of an amazing sandwich of love. Que magnifique!

APRIL 29^th, 2010

Journal Entry “Well this month is just about over and I’ll be glad of that. This month has brought some great things don’t get me wrong its just that I’m excited to move forward. Kande Lahnt is a drummer for the band Abjections and Autism and has asked me to film their performance at the Subterranean this Sunday and I was kinda floored I just couldn’t believe that I was gonna be able to do this job because I’ve always wanted to do something like this and now I will get the chance. Sure they are a no-name band with pop rocks songs but it’s a real gig so I’m excited to document the shit out of it, hopefully I don’t fuck it up. And even if I do there’s plenty more time to do more cool stuff. Ah, Chicago. You truly are a lovely collection of grass and buildings.”

I’m going to perform my second song tonight, “Lady Alone” and I’m hoping it goes well. The tide is turning and I shall ride it into the peace and happiness that I so desire. I haven’t heard from my mom in weeks and I guess she hasn’t been in Arizona in a month. Nigel is having major difficulties dealing with Sharon still being M.I.A. I hope he eventually comes to his senses and leaves her so he can get on with his life as well. I don’t see why both of them have to go down the tubes just because one of them is halfway gone. It will probably take a good amount of counseling and time away to get through this for him but I think he has what it takes to do this. Some day.

May 8^th, 2010

Journal Entry “Today I received a shut off notice for the electricity at the condo. I tried to call but they were closed so I will try again later. Working on writing a third song on my guitar. Gonna call it ‘Teddy Bare’ I think. It’s about a homeless guy at a shopping mall. Pretty simple. Next week I get to finish up the Folgers and Hamgeri videos. I’m excited to get those done and move onto the Abjections vs. Autism stuff which I thought was pretty cool. It’s really nice to have jobs I can tolerate. A lot of folks are mired in bullshit storms to just pay the bills and I hope I never have to do that.”

Wow, even I'm kinda creeped out by that. Only a little.

Fucked a banana peel the other day as well. This was in accordance to a website I found on my cellphone. It’s the lubricant god intended us to useeeeeeeeeeeeee maaaaaaaannnnnnnnn! Forget KY, its all about the B-Nana baby! Gawd how the body Y E A R N S for that warm touch be it female or fruit. Hmmm, that can be taken a lot of ways. I like it! This day also marks the one-year anniversary of my graduation from Loyola on the 8^th of last year as well. So much has changed! Whaaaaaaaaa! I’ve moved three times and now somehow I’m back to where I started it all, sans Mom of course. I’ve come so far from the depths of despair to live this life of adventure and childlike wonder! Can’t stop now! Gotta dance like THE FOCKING TURTLES from TMNT II. GO NINJA, GO NINJA, FUCKING GOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOO!!!

MAY 14^th, 2010

Journal Entry “Just sittin; at the dock of the swan pond, watchin’ a swaaaaaaaaaaan swimmin’ away. A very peaceful experience indeed. I also found a sealed tin of pasta just sitting on a table randomly waiting to be eaten by a hungry guy like me. I’m sure its not poisoned too badly though, unlike a certain soup which I thought was going to be totally poisoned because I lied to Roberto the Cockles restaurant owner about a movie he saw recently. I told him that I really liked a film called ‘Trailer Park Boys’ as a seemingly transparent lie that ended up being not so transparent as Roberto rented the film based on my false recommendation. He corralled me into his eatery the next day and scalded me about the film’s horrid story. ‘Its just about some guys at a trailer park’ he said. Yeah, big surprise there mister. That's when he gave me the soup in question."

Along with that harrowing conversation I kept noticing the girl working at the front counter who was also chiming in about Roberto’s general naivety concerning the film. The more I stayed in this eatandium the more I couldn’t stop focusing on this red hair dyed female. I found her most definitely attractive and very entertaining with her Ellen Page-like gift for gab. My interest couldn’t have been more piqued. I left though because I had to go to the bank even though I kinda wanted to talk to her. I get to the bank with the possibly poisoned soup still in my possession but I ignored the amount it was dripping from within the paper bag and it ended up spilling all over the entrance to the lobby. It was one of those weird things that probably would not have happened if I weren’t thinking about this girl. I briefly wondered about the soup and whether it was an omen of some sort but I didn’t think about it long enough to come to a satisfactory conclusion. I went back to Cockles to tell Roberto of my accidental foiling of his murderential plans but also to see the Red Ellen again. I was getting increasingly nervous the closer I got to the restaurant but when I got there I was jacked on this new found adrenaline that got me through the next phase of the story.

Once I returned he gave me another soup after he learned the fate of the OS(original soup). I decided to eat it there at the food bag to ensure witness incase of a quick demise from the 2^nd batch. So I sit down to eat the soup at one of the nearby tables and I am depressed because knowing me I’m probably just going to leave without talking to her again. There’s this fear I’ve had to deal with about talking to girls and its opportunities like this I must use to fight it off. Luckily she asked me to come sit on a stool by her register so I didn’t have to put myself out there. This reminded me greatly of the train girl who was the subject of my first two songs “Capacit-E” and Lady Alone” who also asked me to come sit by her during our first and only interaction. At that moment I was pretty sure I was going to give her my number. When we began talking to each other she was more than I imagined. Witty, smart, charming all of it created this haze around my mind that I didn’t want to end. Was this for real I thought? A girl like this just a mere two blocks away from home? How could this be? Why did it take a thing like Roberto’s incompetence to make it all happen? This was all getting too good. Luckily for me it wasn’t too good to be true. I had the kind of girl I’d been waiting for right in my sights. In arms length even. In the honest to god flesh as she just anonymously worked at a hot dog stand. Could this be where it all changes for me? Where all those desires and feelings are finally validated for once god dammit?!?!?

cool.

I give her my number written on a napkin before I leave and tell her I want to take her out sometime, y’know, all cool and you’ll graffiti up his toys… (sorry, broke into song there!) I leave and think to myself it could work out between the two of us. I know we just met but she reminded me a lot of myself and that I found extremely attractive.

Now all she had to do was call me back and if she didn’t, what would I do then???

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

Goodness.

-DAN.

2011-04-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

February 9th, 2010

Journal Entry: “I'm at Union Station in a sea of McDonald's expenditure (myself included) as I have been putting the finishing touches on Joe Eidelman's bar mitzvah over at Reel Story. Joe's dad really likes what I have showed him so far and I'm lovin' that. He's so happy with it that he's going to come and pay me personally tomorrow... five hundred bucks if I'm not mistaken. Once that happens this will be an official paid internship after just four months working there. Not bad. I can tell that Joe's dad loves his son and his two daughters a great deal. I think that might have motivated me almost as much as the pay. The video meant a lot to him and I wanted to make sure he got something worth remembering. Glad I could help.”

At first I wasn't sure if I could even do the thing because of the feelings of despair I had when going through all the video and picture material that I was provided to make his Bar Mitzvah montage. His smiling face as him and his family explored National and Theme parks around the USA looking very much the typical close knit family I did not have when I was growing up. But, like with all the other somewhat/very excruciating experiences... I learned to cope. For my own sake I couldn't let it get to me. I just had to keep chipping away at it until it was to the liking of Jerry and Joe's Dad. Every family has their problems, mine were just very different from anyone else I knew. Once I had finshed, Jerry said it was the best video of the type to be done by a Reel Story Employee. That kind of praise felt great after the work I had put in on that dang thing. Yep, just goin' around blowin' people's minds. What a fruitful way to pass the time...

I hope I look like a professorial cave dweller here.

Journal Entry: “So I've been moved into the spare bedroom at Cyndie's so now I have a little more privacy but now I must sleep on the floor! Oew Noew! Mayor Bee! It's cool though, I'm sure I'll get used to it if I have to, at least for now. Some stranger I gave thirty five cents to today said I looked like John Lennon. That's not the first person to tell me that recently, so that's a little odd you know, to all of a sudden look like one of the most famous musicians that have ever lived just because I grew hair and beard out. Who knew that would happen? Now I am looking forward to when all the birthday fun begins: WWE at Allstate, Chevelle at the Riviera and Jack's Mannequin at the HOB, all in a span of four days."

Only one of these events (the Chevelle show) would actually involve other friends coming with me. The other two would be just me alone, but as you know I'm very used to that. When friends do have the chance to go with me to concerts and things, that shared experience can easily take my breath away. I love when that happens. Not, my breath being taken away leading to my untimely death but rather the feeling of being swept away into euphoria with my friends closely by my side.

February 10th, 2010

Journal Entry: “Gahwah?!?@!? Two entries in two days? What is this, senior year of college or something? Well, no. This is more like freshmen year at Adult Life University. I'm probably getting above average marks. I thought I would take some time out though and write about my experience at my local China Buffet... Danni's China Buffet to be exact. Ironic enough as it is right? Anyway, I go in there because they have a special going on that entails a $5.39 lunch special btwn 11am ad 3pm. I looked at my phone and it read twoish so I went in after I stopped in Dunkin Donuts to buy a chocolate treat like the ones pictured on the window ads. I saw nothing on their trays that looked like a chocolate chip chocolate doughnut or brownie so I left. I get into the buffet and the guy at the counter is taking care of someone else. So I wait. A couple walks in from behind me when the server (a spry Chinese looking gal) says to them, “Two?” They walk ahead of me. The man behind the counter then motions me around, “One?” and we head to a table and I put my jacket on the chair and my backpack on the ground. I had been... superseded, by this black man and Asian woman couple. I was slightly perturbed by that but it quickly left my mind when I recalled my purpose here... big time eatin'! So I sat down, I ate, big whoop. Then I get to the traditional cookie of fortune that's brought to me on a bill platter. ($6.84? ah the drink was 0.99, mother fuckers!) I proceed to drop the cookie on the ground when I break open the cookie but the paper is still stuck in both sides so then I balance the paper with the two cookie buoys in an attempt at cheap entertainment. And for some reason there's a guy with one of those Russian earflop hats, which I almost forgot to mention (not really that cold outside). I rip out the strip of paper and I read it... my heart jumps a little bit... 'Romance stirs your heart – share it with others.' That's got to be like the first time a fortune cookie has given me something even remotely appropriate to my own life. As I sit across from a chair that is occupied only by my coat, I do see that I need to share the romance, and I feel that every day. Is this a sign of a soon to be #3? I have no idea. And that's all the fun.”

Love??? Me??? This mirror is just great.

February 21st, 2010

I saw a WWE Live event at the Allstate arena featuring my favorite WWE Superstars like Primo, Chavo Guerrero, Big Show, The Miz, Luke Gallows, John Cena, Edge, Sheamus, The Undertaker, Randy Orton, Batista, Kofi Kingston, Ezekiel Jackson and the one & only my favy fav: Mr. CM Punk!

Journal Entry: “And so my birthday has come and gone and it was an amazing time. Me, Philly McGoo, and Jay DeCracken made our way to the Riviera Theater for Chevelle, Sick Puppies and Janus. The third time I'd seen Chevelle in nine months. (Chevelle) has gotten me through some tough times and its only fitting that I would see them for the last time for awhile, on my birthday. Jay and Philly were just awesome and I couldn't have asked for better concert companions.

We got there kinda late because we got downtown early so we were checking out some stores and things before we decided to make our way down there. Reckless Records and such. Panda Express, you know. We eventually did get there and by golly, the place was already very much filled with folks. Us three rocking gentlemen made our way into the pit but it was very tight and there was no way were moving ahead. It took me jumping into the mosh during Sick Puppies' last song “You're Going Down” to get myself about 5 rows back from the stage. I had to leave my friends behind but it was well worth the trouble.

Chevelle was rockin' it hardcore as they stormed through a sweaty almost two hour set which included guys like Mike Tomczak crowd surfing to and over the barrier and Dan Sparacio just sorta randomly showing up where I was in he crowd and wanting to do the same. Those two men would haphazardly find there way to me again in about six months at different sort of concert but more of that sort when I get to writing about shit like that in about six months. When Chevelle started playing “Letter From a Thief” I think I was transported to another, much cooler dimension populated by breathy vocals, beautiful bridges between them and a grand total sound that I believe qualifies for a Nobel Prize in Physics. I was a happy camper, obviously. Another person named Briana had her birthday then too so I gave her and her friends hugs after the show in a nice little moment. There was this one blond haired girl from Madison, Wisconsin there that I got to talkin' to that seemed to enjoy my company and I was going to get her number after the show but I couldn't find her in the crowd. No big loss, I mean, she lived in another state so what was the use of that right? But she would also come back into play later in the year in pretty ironic fashion. It'll be good, you'll wanna come back to this blog for that one.

After the show me and the guys started walking back to the El and Jay happened upon some folks outside selling tacos out of their car. He promptly purchased a couple for a dollar each and when asked how his street tacos tasted he simply replied, “Like street tacos.” I just... was in love with that response. That Lawrence Red Line stop just churns out memories like some multinational corporation bent on making everyone's life a breezy peaceful existence with a flurry of packaged love. Or whatever.

February 25th, 2010

I also went to see Jack's Mannequin at the House of Blues on the 2nd with fun. and Vedera. I had heard about Andrew MacMahon's battle with Leukemia as he persevered through it and that was all pretty inspiring so I figured I'd check him out and boy was I impressed. I had seen a couple of shows at the HOB before (Flyleaf, Dashboard Confessional, Breaking Benjamin) and its a pretty nice place to see a show. One thing I will add to that is that after going to all these shows I have realized that the effect of the venue is almost always secondary to what the performing artist brings to the table that night. I could be listening to a show in a scrap yard full of sharp and rusted metal jags and still enjoy a show is the musicians happen to be... awwwwwweeeeeesomeeeeee. That one's for you Miz.

The show was great as Vedera and especially fun. were just great as openers searing the crowd with ungodly amounts of joy and dancebility. The crowd was mainly comprised of what seemed to be high school age kids and one guy towards the from that startled me with his exact facial resemblance to Andrew MacMahon! I was just thinking to myself, like, who the fuck is this guy with his doppleganger abilities and why do I keep staring at him so much I probably shouldn't do that ya know don't wanna give him the wrong idea or something I mean I'm just staring because I'm scientifically/sociologically curious about his existence and not in love with him I just hope I can make that clear, to him.

The show as highly entertaining as the floor was moving under me for the first time I could remember as a lot of people were jumping up and down as if upon pogo sticks (Fuck the system!) at the direction of one Andy Macklersby. Just tremendous amount of fan support for this guy. He said during the encore that we made him do something that he doesn't normally do and that's play for himself. Gosh, there's something about these Chicago crowds that bring out the best in the artists that visit here, right? I am just so glad I live near this town that has a ton of folks that share my appreciation for music.

Obviously I'm thankful I wasn't born in North Dakota although sometimes I hear those rolling hills calling out my name, beckoning me near when life gets to be a devilish chore. For now must endure. For that I am sure.

Journal Entry: “So here I am, back at the Wood Dale Salt Creek Forest Preserve writing about moments of the past. It feels great. I was here about six months ago thinking I was gonna have to work two jobs so I could pay off my mom's bills and such. Basically giving up on my own life to take care of her and only her. I was so scared. That feeling of being trapped was enormous. I have not looked down at myself though. Just as overbearing was my fear of uncertainty, so is all encompassing is my self determination. I've been thrown so much shit... but they are all just formalities. As long as I keep thinking positively; I can't be stopped. I move back into the condo on Sunday from Cyndie's trailer. I feel happy about it. My mom won't be there and its that which makes me most excited. This should be mt last stop before finding an apartment somewhere to begin a new life. I wanna date, I wanna have sex. I want to laugh again. I want that fuzzy erratic feeling of being completely lost in the moment. I am living for those experiences, the ones to come. The memories of all this unbelievable time of my life will fade... but the lessons I got from them will always stay with me. To fight is to live. To fight is to die. With all my might, I will be the light. To the flood the place. To getit right.

HURRAH FOR BEARDS! HURRAH FOR BEARDS! HURRAH FOR MY BEARD!

March 6th, 2010

Journal Entry “So back in the condo now. That first day was tough. I felt that despair take rise again. It is a terrible feeling but one that must be overcome to feel any type of joy again. Nigel seems very delusional. He still thinks he can make everything better by marrying Sharon and living together. He doesn't want to believe that she's never truly loved him. I mean after a certain point in my childhood they always argued when they were together. Nigel had serious anger problems and those have been greatly reduced it seems since he has gone to counseling and taken the right medication but until her comes to terms with the fact that he will never be happy with Sharon, his life will be wasted. He says he wants to drive down to Phoenix and pick her up so they can drive to Las Vegas for a wedding and would send me a plane ticket to attend. Just insane. He's a desperate man right now but I think in the long run that he will find his way.”

Who would wanna fuck this? *with

Living alone really isn't so bad I mean its basically like living with my mom but without the responsibilities of having to take care of her. Friggin' amazing! I now have free reign in this foreclosing paradiso and it feels great. I probably stay here for a couple of months and save up as much as I can so that I can finally move on with my life! Now that I think about it a bit I have deep reservations that I'll be in in such flux again so I know that one day I will come to appreciate these trying times as they have undoubtedly pushed my growth as a man and as a human being in general more than I can currently fathom. So I got that going for me too. That one's for you Murray!!!

March 12th, 2010

Journal Entry: “This was an interesting week. Kari Lynn's in the hospital with a burst gall bladder and Cyndie must now wait on her hand and foot for a month or something until Kari gets better. This might be good for their relationship though as Kari has struggled with having to take care of a lot of he house work even though she was under the impression that Cyndie would be taking care of her. Now the onus is on Cyndie to be there for Kari and do the work that Kari had to when healthy. I feel sorry for Cyndie though as her husband John died a year ago this month so now she must deal with another loved one who has been infirmed. Ah life. What a glitch.

Dance stop.

I went back to Loyola for the first time in like 10 months as I was in downtown and I thought what the hell? Why not? It's a bit warmer and I have a camera so let's fucking do this shall we? RIGHT! I was hoping I might see someone I knew when I reclaimed my place on campus. I mean this place had been my second home the last four years so I was bound to run in to somebody right? Sure, whatever. My love for this university shall never die! Ever! Gorgonzola Botringwhola! I took a fair share of pictures and walked around for awhile but it was night time and it might have been spring break or something because there was like nobody around at all so I went to go back onto the train when I spotted a former classmate! Sammy McLain he was and I could not believe I actually found the guy.

Black girl near the white, white guy near the black. All is even.

Journal Entry: “It was another one of those oddly cathartic and surreal moments in my life where something works out in a way I would not have expected.”

I also hung out with my friends Ped and Jolly as they smoked on some of the ganja and literally talked about sex, drugs and rock n' roll. I laid off the dragon drugs but had no problem in engaging in mind altered conversations. It got pretty raunchy as Ped totally went off on his various sexcapades all over the area and all over the body. My real date with Mary Jane would come later in the year as I traveled down south to The University of Illinois for an Illini style mander-party. To think... Luther Head went there for awhile!!! 4 for 3!

Journal Entry: “I'm at home watching American Idol and seeing these kids who are my age and younger throwing it down and sitting here in a foreclosing condo. My journey will be different. I'm pretty sure of that one.”

March 18th, 2010

Journal Entry: “Just sittin' on the dock of the day, watching a young girl sk8er going past me. Listening to Business of Art by Tegan & Sara. An awesome album indeed. I'll being them at the Aragon next Friday. Still haven't gotten my Holly Miranda CD in the mail yet. Fuckers. Yes, I bought a CD recently. I couldn't find the torrent, so yeah, went ahead and bought it. She's gonna be at the same concert so I wanted that CD in my head as well. Steel Train will also be there you bitches. Still in the foreclosing condo and I feel okay about that, I do. My patience is paying off... from internship dollars of course. I'm gonna keep pushing ahead as life lies ahead with exciting adventures that I cannot wait to occur. I am on the lookout for an awesome girlfriend though. That is something I must conquer on my own. All my other problems I was assisted in but this will be my own will and passion on display for a bright, funny, beautiful, caring and artistic young damsel. I long for that more than anything but as you can tell I'm fairly selective. All those traits don't come easily in one package. But... my patience will payoff. I can feel it in me bones. So once again, the wait.”

March 28th, 2010

Journal Entry: “And so ends four straight days of fun and excitement in my life. The first was a Thursday that featured my friend Alyssa's birthday party at the Art Gallery Kafe that had many friends to be had. Spring break and junk. I love seein' all those guys comin; in from their various colleges. We jammed and talked music, what else do you need, rights? Yeah, rights are pretty cool as well I suppose. Next day was Tegan and Sara at the Aragon, a beautiful place to see a show btw. Holly Miranda was so good with that falsetto that could knock down trees! Steel train was solid as T & S with high powered and emotional ballads that always seem to get stuck in your head. Really fun. One of my favorite shows of all time.

During the show I received a call from my mother begging to send her a plane ticket back to Chicago as believed that I was her only hope. Ha... what else is new? Did you know that stereotypes are vague generalizations that started a long time with no basis upon fact at all?

Again, we knew this to be the case.

Does she REALLY think that I would blindly give in to her demands and get her back to be a burden on everyone else's lives by leeching off of others. She's done enough harm. She called me a few days later still begging for the money and I told her that she had to find a way to get out of the situation HERSELF and that no matter she could not give up. Seemed to work for me so far, so I figured it would be good advice. I wasn't just gonna let her by with a golden ticket. It was for her own good to be in a situation where she HAD to fend for herself and NOT think about all the toxic thoughts that add up to depression.

One thing that happened to me that night that will stay with me forever took place after the Tegan and Sara show let out. I walked to the Lawrence Red Line stop and had to run to catch one of the cars before the doors closed. I flew into one car specifically because of a young woman draped in red standing just inside the door. That kind of thing actually influences a lot of my transportation decisions. I mean if I'm just walking down the street and I see an attractive young woman... I'll probably follow her a bit assuming she's walking somewhat in the direction I need to go. It just makes walks more interesting, ya know? Sure it may make me seem like a Creepo McGheepo but who really is getting harmed here? No one. Just a lot of eye pleasure for me. Eye pleasures. For me. Me and my ocular migranes. I just got one writing this last paragraph. It's like some blurry mass is floating through your eyeball... its self diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure its right. I trust Yahoo! and the rest of the internet with my eyeballs, I do. But anyway, I'm getting off topic. For you see there is a story to tell and I am literally the only person in the universe authorized to tell it as a primary resource. That's a pretty prodigious responsibility if I do say so myself.

So... I get in the car just before the door closes and after I gather myself I eye the young lady in red, she may have even had yellow boots but that small detail might be completely and utterly an ocular migrane hallucination but whatever it doesn't really add much to the story but it kinda seemed worth mentioning just for the simple fact that I AM THE BLOG LORD AND MY WORDS SHALL ECHO THROUGHOUT TIME IN UTTER FREEDOM FROM THE PHYSICAL LIMITS OF HUMANITY. Um, I kept sort of making eyes at her but she seemed to be preoccupied by some ideas being instantly born and then dying in her mind, like some tragic case of reverse telepathy where everyone can read your mind and tell you exactly how you feel in a second but to you... there's nothing but skin, hair and bones encasing a space in your head that is boarded up by your own refusal to admit you had a clear and precise thought to share in the first place. Yeah, then I got that phone call from my mother, the one where she was begging to be shipped back to the Chicagoland area of her loved ones. The call rattled me in its pure desperation. I got off at Belmont to transfer over to the Brown/Purple line to get to Union Station and I just sat down on the platform leaning against a pillar with that phone call just wrapping tightly to my psyche, burdening the brightness of my soul with a strict shadowy malaise. Basically, I felt like shit.

I saw another attractive young lady now entering this train but I thought to myself, “Ahw great, another tease.” So I go in there with the phone call still haunting me greatly and sit down across from the door and the girl with the train beginning to move forward and I can't help but, just for fun, giving this girl a look, whatever it might cheer me up to look at a pretty lady on this long train ride toward home. So I turn my head to the right for that first look which is equitable to the first bite of an apple in that it's the best one of all the versions of it. The boys and the girls watch each other eat when they really just wanna watch each other sleep... rs!

And I look.

And she's, well...

Looking. Right. At. Me.

Oh boy.

I probably should have shaved.

-Dan!

Sounds in 2010 \or/ How I learned to love people who are better than me

2010-12-29T19:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, time for a little taste of what I found appealing in sound in the year of 2010. Obviously you can't hear everything in one year so from just what I have actually spent time listening to I will piece together my choices. Catfiesh? Capisce? The Police? No, no they were in the fucking eighties. A decadent decade to say the least. I hope that didn't sting too bad. When insulting a period time you have to be careful. Why? Time is relative and you usually have to be nice to your relatives. That's why.

FAVORITE WRESTLING THEME IN 2010

Broken Dreams by Shaman's Harvest for Drew McIntyre

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-6LKTVuWSo&feature=related

FAVORITE ALBUM YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF AND WASN'T FROM THIS YEAR BUT I DISCOVERED IN 2010

The Business of Art – Tegan and Sara
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76SC1nFgvgU

FAVORITE LIVE SHOWS IN 2010

^10.Surfer Blood @ Pitchfork, July 18^th

Never heard these guys before and was completely enthralled by their bass driven surfer rock stylings.

^9.Dashboard Confessional w/The Snowbirds, Cory Branan and Jon Lefler @ Lincoln Hall, December 18^th

Celebrating the 10^th anniversary of their 1^st LP Swiss Army Romance I sung my life away at the discretion of Chris Carrabba and his bands of merry men who opened.

^8.Disturbed and Hail The Villian @ Rockstar Uproar Tour, August 16^th

Disturbed was the best I've ever seen them (3^rd time) and the Canadian newcomers Hail the Villian showed how zombies would probably rock. And saw some titties.

^7.LCD Soundsystem @ Pitchfork, July 17^th

Just wowed the city with their beat machine light show. Dance party central, hoo-ahh! James Murphy never looked more disheveled.

^6.Noise Fest ft. Suns, Modsun (MN), LONDON, Snowcera, Farwell and Artists vs. Athletes @ Mad Maggies, June 19^th

Really, really fun. Got to film a couple of the acts and met a bunch of them. The white rapper I danced with will never forget my crowd participation. I can assure you that.

^5.Tegan and Sara w/Steel Train and Holly Miranda @ Aragon, March 26^th

Wow, so important. I may have never have written a song if I don't go and see this show but that has more to do with what happened after I suppose. The ladies were on fire that night, Jeez!

^4.Chevelle ft. Sick Puppies and Janus @ Riviera, February 20^th

An immensely enjoyable show on my birthday with a couple friends in tow, how could this NOT make the list? Now if you ever enter my mind... hehe. I heart Chevelle.

^3.Green Day @ Lollapalooza, August 7^th

Awesome. Awe inspring. I needed to see a show like this. Straight up Punk 'n Roll Americana. They knew they were the shit and then played like it. Fireworks never hurt either. Bravo Billie and Co. Bravo.

^2.Arcade Fire @ Lollapalooza, August 8^th

Quite a responsibility closing out Lollapalooza but oh did these guys ever deliver the goods. Backed by their newly released The Suburbs, these men and women of Montreal made me feel as if I had finally come home.

^1.Sleigh Bells @ Pitchfork, July 18^th

Ask resident braggadocios Matt Wallace or Peter Gorski and they will tell of an insane sweat off where an entire people eagerly moved upon every headbangingly hardcore note. Like a rave but outdoors. The lead singstress jumped into the crowd and fell on me which made up for the fact that we really couldn't hear her vocals. I love concerts.

Honorable Mentions: (She & Him, The Black Keys, Metric, Devo, Titus Andronicus, Robyn, Eddie Sharpe and his Zeros, Silversun Pickups, MGMT, Jack’s Mannequin, Sunset & Camden, the other time I saw Chevelle)

FAVORITE TWENTY ALBUMS OF 2010 (Starting at #20)

"Surprising"

"Heavy and smart"

"Relevant punk"

"Devolving? Right."

"Rock with a little stank on it"

"Gerard Way cool"

"Inspired by the plight of a fallen bandmate"

"Drum and Bass is back with a vengeance"

"Surfer rock, eh? Sounds good to me."

"Popular music can still stir the soul"

"The styles infused are tremendous"

"Zooey and M. strike again"

"Really out there but in a great way"

"That sound they make, I wanna have blues sex with it"

"Genius. That just happened."

"I really can't love this album anymore. Like Conor Oberst on hard drugs"

"Beatstacular"

"Probably the most unique album on the list. Love how the songs crescendo."

"Can these guys make an album that isn't brilliant?"

and finally...

"It shines so bright they had to call it A Thousand Suns"

I shall end 2010 on these notes, my own.

From November into early February

2010-12-29T18:05:00.000-08:00

November 19^th

Journal Entry: “Here we are at the Itasca Gazebo Park listening to Three Days Grace on my iPod. Oh Yeah! This is certainly much better than that dick in a box video. I mean I'm talking heaven! I had a makis of a conversation with Alexa Mira* yesterday because we were chatting on Facebook but the internet at CJ's place stopped working so I told her she could call me. What separates Alexa from Catlina Negra* is that Alexa actually tells me her problems as well as listens to mine. I mean sure I do like to talk about myself, but I much prefer talking in general. You know, about wide ranging topics from international politics to anal prolapse. It's all good.”

*not their real names, just Latino ripoffs!

Well, next week holds a Thanksgiving dinner with a family I have just started living with and it will be strange to be doing it with a different family for the first time but I'll just be happy to be in a place with kind folks and enticing food. This family is treating me so well that even though I offered them money to stay there his mom declined to accept it. They aren't in the best financial shape so I hoped that I could help them out by giving them some cash but it would appear that their pride got in the way. Whatever I mean more money for me I guess, right? Hooray. I sure am playing a lot of Pokemon right now and for some reason this is of great comfort to me and my weary mind. I played it back in junior high as well when it was all the rage. (Link cables anyone?) Experiencing this new adventure Pokemonally seemed to compliment the sort of new adventure that I was going through in real life. Now I wasn't catching any exciting multipowered Asian based battle creatures but I was finding a sense of relief, one day at a time with tremendous flare and awesome catch phrases, “I'm gonna fight your family tonight!” “Makis!” “If this was a film I'd walk out right now”that would be said before doing a battle of wits with local gentry so the comparison has some shred of validity in my binder.

December 2^nd

Thanksgiving has come and gone and the results were actually not that awkward! I went to dinner's on both CJ's Dad's side and Mom's side of the family so I was fully immersed in his life like maybe no one else has outside of his family. I didn't feel like an outsider so much as I felt like a guy who was being treated with a true respect of kind hearted folk. His grandma on his Dad's side was really cool, giving CJ advice on girlfriends, his career and the effect of alcohol on the people he loves. Heavy stuff my nizers. But yeah, these dinners felt so natural I felt as if I was always a part of this group of related human beings. CJ has a great extended family and I hope he realizes that as he goes on with the rest of his days, they will always be there for him I can guarantee that.

Journal Entry: “My Mom is in Arizona now with Uncle Jim and I think this will be good for her in the end. I honestly do not want to talk to her because I'm still trying to separate myself from the hold she had on me. I realize she's in a troubled situation right now, but she brought it on herself by simply giving up on things... yes, we were thrown into some terrible times but I certainly didn't break down entirely. So what's her excuse? Her upbringing? Hey, I didn't really even have a dad growin' up so take that!”

Windy and cold, windy and cold that is what the day was like when I woke up one day on a Friday. I walked to the video store to pick up some rentals and I'm usually fairly tolerant of inclimate weather in the Chicagoland area but on THIS day... just brutal knifeish winds flat out stabbing me a thousand times over as I made my way on this 25 minute walk. This was easily one of my least thought out and down right stupidest decisions I have ever made. I felt as if I had been transported to an alternate bullshit reality where your environment matches your personal problems. A physical representation of an inner turmoil. HELL ON EARTH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (but really, really cold). I got a ride back though which was nice from one Mueze Bawany who was also going to the video store at the time. I met him there, he being a customer and I being an employee and we clicked immediately with our nerdy love for movie rumors and Chicago sports teams. We saw a couple of movies at the theater and had a fairly friendly relationship. He hid his first name from us at the store for awhile as he was using his brother's account so we had to figure it out over many days of searching on the interwebs but we eventually got the right one. It was lucky for me to catch him before he took off; I didn't want to have to walk back in that icy stabuland. I go back and find CJ's sister hanging out with a guy she had recently broken up with even though I was pretty sure she was seeing some tattoo artist so that little situation sort of perplexed me a bit. Whatever, it was now time to sit on the couch. Ah, what a comfortable sofa in CJ's room. I could just relax here all... what's this? CJ's step father coming up the stairs.

He's telling me I have to go.

Oh.

December 11^th

Journal Entry: “So as I am writing this I have been asked to leave [this] residence by [CJ's step dad] who is head of the household who is doing what is best for his family. I completely understand this and will be living with Cyndie(Cyndie) and her partner Carrie(Kari) for the time being. Sure its not the best situation but I think I can handle it now though. It's just good to be alive and healthy, you know? No hard feelings of course... they did a lot for me and I can't fault them for being human. You be as gracious as you can but people do have limits of course. Maybe something I don't understand is the fact that I am a relatively upstanding fellow but just because I'm not a cousin or something I have less privileges, I dunno. I'm sure there's a reason for all this to be happening. Make me tougher I suppose.”

My lasting memories of staying with my best friend and his family primarily revolve around playing Pokemon Pearl on my Nintendo DS, petting his cat Tiger a lot, putting together a padded seating fixture downstairs, that awesome Halloween party, Thanksgiving dinners, drinking Ovaltine chocolate milk, applying stretchy cords to tarp coverings, and enjoying his mom's chat's about cooking and such. Without them I shudder to think what would have happened if I couldn't have found a place to go to get away from my mother. It's with them that my recovery began and for that CJ and his family will forever be in my heart and mind. :)

December 23rd

My red phase.

Journal Entry: “So right now I'm living with Cyndie in her trailer with Kari her soon to be wife I guess. They are going to let me stay until the end of January then I have to find another place to live. I'm hangin' tough though. It's been a difficult time, sure, but I am thankful for what I have and all that. A very supportive grandmother, an internship for film that will almost certainly lead to bigger opportunities, interesting friends that are there to cheer me up, a roof over my head (at least for now), music which stirs my soul like nothing else, for my mom who, despite her recent actions, has always tried her best to provide for me and I guess just the fact that I'm healthy and smart and funny and kinda good looking with my long luxurious hippie hair plus my awesome dark eyes haha. Yep, I'm thankful to be me because if I wasn't me, I'm not sure how I'd get through it all. Here comes Christmas!”

I bought gifts for all the members of CJ's family in hopes that they would enjoy them and relieve me of some of the guilt I had accrued about staying there as long as I did.

I didn't mean to eventually turn into a linger dinger dongish man....

I really didn't.

December 31^st

Journal Entry: “The final day of the year and what a fuckin insane year its been too. I still remember New Year's Eve 2008 and it was there that I wished for better days in the coming year, especially relieving myself of the situation that me and my mom were mired in at the time, the flood being only three months old, seeming the only trouble that was going to come out of it was being relocated. I would not have believed anyone if I would have been told of the events that were to take place in the coming year.”

I was genuinely excited for what 2010 was to bring to my mind and body. A new year is exactly what I needed to mark a clean slate moving forward. No more living with my Mom and my life in the palm of my hands for the very 1^st time. Scary and awesome all at the same time. You know, there's always been this burning sensation deep down within me (No, I don't think its syphilis) to make a path that hasn't been followed, a clear cut hack into the darkened forest of possible existences and if I can't do something original, then what is the point really? 2009 brought hardships that would bring down most men faced with similar circumstances and to have survived such turmoil can only fuel my resolve to continue my life blazing into the unknown and waving my hands in the air to random passersby with an uncontrollable amount of eccentric pride as I leave them in my dusty afterburn. If it is getting' a bit steamy reading this I understand but don't be alarmed as you are just having a reaction to my charcoal hot charisma. Everything will be OK.

Journal Entry: “Sure I went through my own personal Hell, but I'm better for it. This is how men are forged, not by some sexual conquering but a conquering of whatever it is that is holding you back emotionally and mentally from being the person you want to be. That is my definition of a man. And I believe that in 2009, I found my manhood. Shit happens, mother approved. Aint that the (fuckin') truth. Time to fuck in the naughties! And F I P I T Y W O W! And by that I mean shove the last decade into a circular muscle controlled hole and release the milky liquid of life into a new start. Yeah.”

January 7^th, 2010

I was also at a pretty bangin' New Years Eve Party, check it out!

I'm the one putting up the shockers.

Journal Entry: “Takin a walk in Itasca during the middle of winter as a light snowfall adds to what has a been a relatively heavy day of cover. Listening to Bob Dylan as well as recommended by others who are even more musically inclined. Dylan is an incredible talent and while listening to his greatest hits I happened upon a family of deer just hangin out a little bit, a very awe inspiring sight one I would not have seen otherwise so I'm glad I made this walk for sure. Just an extremely calming scene.”

The synergy of music and its surroundings will always remain a mystery to those who may inquire about their secret relationship but its cool though. Some phenomena are better left blatantly undersolved.

Got a call from my Mom today and she may have gotten the message that I want to live my own life and get tangled up in my own bewildering adventures. When she asked if I hated her I simply stated that I don't hate her but rather the decisions she has made for herself in the past 8 months. In a way she has made my life going forward somewhat easier because I have been thrust into a position of fending for myself and being on my own and that choice may not have been made so easily under more easily digestible circumstances. Thanks Mom? Sure, whatever.

January 14^th

Journal Entry: “Now for some pencil writin', Oh yeah! I remember that my 2^nd girlfriend Emmy used to take notes on her laptop because once she tried taking notes with pen and paper she would start to draw things around her like like our classmates and such. I would do that too...[...] So I'm gonna be moving back into my old place at the end of January and that is coming about because the utilities are still on I guess. [...] Just gotta live alone for those couple of weeks but I think I can handle that. It seems fitting that I end up back home right before I move on with my life. I mean I was kinda running away from that place, hiding from what I did not want to deal with and all that. Now I'm gonna be there to live in it one more time. It's come all full circle like some newly released Creed album... surrounded by almost universal skepticism but upon experience first hand, there's just something very essential about it.

P.S. That Creed album was just okay actually, I think at the time it had just came out and I was trying to work it into writings and such.

That's a lotta fuckin keys.

Living with two bisexual older women is a trial and half I tell you what! Well, its not so much their sexual orientation (that actually has very little to do with how I interact with them on a daily basis) but the fact that I am living with one woman I have just gotten into a greater amount of contact with now than in the last ten years (Cyndie) and one that I have just met in the last few months (Kari). The trailer is only really built for two people and if there's four cats plus three people so the space really starts to dwindle quickly. I spent the first part of my time there sleeping on the love seat in the living room but was then relegated to a newly cleaned out spare bedroom to which I rested my body upon the floor. At least I had a place to stay and my charm eventually found its way into Kari's hard heart. She did not accept my Christmas present because she did not know me well enough to make that kind of emotional commitment I guess. Her life was troubled up to and beyond this point so I didn't fault her as much as I probably could have for the gesture. We would have great discussions sometimes, her and I. The life experience she had gained intertwined with my young man's inquisitive nature keenly to foster some much needed life affirming chats. She also had the TV up all the way usually because she couldn't hear so well. In that way Cyndie and Kari were perfect for each other because Cyndie was the loudest talker I knew but in other ways they struggled to find common ground. Kari was under the impression that Cyndie was going to take care of her after she moved down from Menomenee, Wisconsin but she soon learned that Cyndie was not up to her word as Kari did much of the housework and cleaning despite her fragile physical condition. It's amazing that Kari stayed there as long as she did. They had there good moments but I think Cyndie might have been trying a bit too hard to fill the void that her husband John left after he died. It is interesting though that she would be all up in the pussy after she had rock hard cock at her disposal for 25 years...I'm SO glad I wrote that.

lol.

January 21^st

The following journal entry concerns a person I had thoughts on moving in with who's name I have changed to protect their identity. Enjoy!

Journal Entry: “Today I'm going to talk w/ Mae Swuppington about moving into an apartment together. I'm glad to see that things are moving along as we try to get something done here. Its exciting to know that this long drawn out ordeal could soon be heading to a close. And the funny thing is, all this will pretty much bring me back to my angst of a burgeoning filmmaker and prospective boyfriend for some adventurous gal. I don't want to date Mae Swuppington, so I won't. We may go out and do things together because we will be living together and such but it will never be as a couple. I just don't have those feelings for her. Could that change? Maybe. I don't know. Certainly living with someone brings you closer to them than ever before and that day to day relationship will likely sway our feelings in a particular direction. With that said, I would not be opposed to having sex with her assuming its for recreational and educational purposes. Since I've never had sex she could probably teach me somethings that will be helpful in future relationships and that I can definitely use. Whatever the next phase of my life brings I look forward to the challenge and journey that lies ahead. I'm following my passions, working hard and just enjoying the ride. *sing-songy* Gonna bag me an arty girl, gonna treat her right, gonna bag me an arty girl, so our hearts ignite!”

We would be pickles!

Nope, still a guy. *Whew*

February 1^st

Journal Entry: “And so the month begins, the last true month of winter. I get to stay with Cyndie another 28 days because she talked to her landlord for me, which was nice. Delaying the inevitable sure, but its a nice reprieve. […] I went to Zanies comedy club on Wednesday to see Whitney Cummings and she was spitting fire up there as I sat down alone with trail mix and thin pizza (It was a two item minimum). Her body gesticulations, the way she razzed the crowd, her utter command of the stage just struck me with such an overwhelmingly joyful feeling, its everything I wish to be and more. Just going up there and owning it, what a gift she has for comedy. I don't know if I want to become a stand up comedian, but I wouldn't mind trying it.”

That really was an awesome performance she gave that night. I went in the first place because I saw some of her stuff on YouTube and I think on one of those late night talk-o-ramas. Her first joke I can't seem to forget! It's stuck in my head like peanut butter on the brain! (RIP Layne Staley). She was bored on the plane ride from the west coast so she was putting words into Google and seeing what the suggested search items were that dropped down. Eventually she got to one that said “Do midget hookers charge half price?” which was quite a funny way to open the set. She's an attractive lady as well so the combination of her beauty and wit really had me going! Ooooh, senorita es muy humorsa or somethingjustcomebacktomyplaceandwecanmakefunofwhatevercomestomindandeventuallytoucheachothersbodies*inhale* until we are BOTH statisfied, muh lady.

Next up.....................MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Zappy pow.

-Dan!

2010-10-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

October 1^st

I began taking my mom to this outpatient center in Wheaton. It's a place designed to give people something to do during the morning and afternoons so that they can become more sociable and not stay at home where idle hands can become deadly. I felt this was a great idea as it would take the mental burden of wondering whether or not she should kill herself off the table because she had others around her to at least create some sort of distraction to her emotional instability. At this point I was still at least halfway convinced that she was going to pull out of this depression and go back to work very soon. I remember thinking to myself, “How am going to ever convince her into going back to a job that she hated?” I mean besides the money that she was making being a security guard I could not think of very compelling and legitimate reasons to make her think twice about it. I didn't want to lie to her and make it seem like she would go back to work and everything would be all hunky dory. I didn't just want to use her for her money making skills and only care about that part of her. Now its true that she is my mom and her responsibility is to take care of me but I was 22 at this point and I felt like I was past being dependent on her for everything. Underneath the current of all that had now progressed between the flood and October an itch began to develop in my head for a streak of independence. I didn't know how it was going to happen or when-- I just knew it had to happen. I look back at certain passages I wrote during that time and I'm so very surprised at my strong optimism about my mom resurrecting her life. Maybe I just didn't think I had a choice in the matter. It only makes sense I suppose. When you build an attachment with another person as strong as a single mother and her son it becomes so intertwined through rearing and shared experiences that if one were to fall the other would be stricken somehow because of it. Her depression was bringing me down and clouding my view of any kind of future I could possibly have. She was darkening my perception of the world which taught me what words on paper like “despair” and “bleak” really felt like on people. I wasn't really showing these feelings though. I mean I wasn't suicidal but at times I desperately wanted my entire face to be ripped off the bone... just to keep my mind off the daily drown of itself by the black hole my mother created for herself and I.

I did meet a few cool people at the outpatient center, two volunteers from the local Wheaton college who were calming to chat up. One had gone to Lollapalooza just like I had and we had an impromptu chat about Animal Collective while I (of course) sang the praises of Bat For Lashes, The Airborne Toxic Event and Delta Spirit. My mom just sat there. As I was talking to these young and vibrant people just like me-- my mom just existed in the background. The 500 pound gorilla on my back. These two volunteers were here as part of their major requirements. I was there for her. They looked so free and hopeful for there next phase of life after school. Here I was, hanging on to what shards of a family I still had and hoping somebody would come out of nowhere to make things better. I did get an email from the guy at Reel Story Productions about starting up an editing project which I had been waiting to hear back about. So there was something to look forward to at least. To calm my weary mind I had been listening to Breaking Benjamin's latest effort, Dear Agony which was perfectly describing my feelings at the time. The lyrics of lead singer Ben Burnley conveyed such a sense of hope loss and sick frustration at the demented whim of a faceless enemy. I could feel that. I was swimming in that kind of milieu all the time. When Ben screamed, I felt released from my hardship if only for a few moments at a time. When he desperately pleaded for an unknown figure to give him a sign I voicelessly asked for one myself. The tether recoiled at an attempt to flee and this album is the equivalent of the emotional afterhowl. To see them again live would mean much to a young Daniel. Maybe the chaos would fade into a mere billow by then. One could only hope for such future fortune.

October 8th

Journal Entry: “Mom is better, she has gotten a room at a hotel room for the next two days to finally get some sleep, she hasn't slept in four days and going to a hotel will certainly calm her nerves, so that will be good. Not sure if she is going to Wheaton or not to hang out, but I sure hope it crosses her mind. She said she used to sit by the creek and try killing herself a time or two. If that aint a sobering thought, I don't know what is.”

She seemed to have some signs of life again from time to time which led me to believe that she was taking strides in the right direction. Humor and concern for things once again rose from her deadlocked mind. I felt as if the tide was turning a little but at the same time felt very cautious as well. I understood that escaping depression was no easy task and that it took time for the process to run its course. I knew this. But the fact that she had gone on this long with only minor improvement in her mental state was troubling. Does she not care? Is she only getting by because I'm here? Is she consciously choosing not to try some attempt at righting her life? These were the questions that had been boiling over in my mind since this whole ordeal began some seven months ago. My mom had become this drain on my soul that at first I had taken on admirably but then suffered through reluctantly as the months dragged on. I mean it went from a small family matter to a completely life altering cataclysmic anxiety and depression explosion of reality damning ferocity. As her life faded, my shiny bright spirit was taking a nose dive into black holes and revelations that could not be undone. What was the point of my talents and wants? How did those make sense anymore now that I had been thrown this vicious line of circumstances? What was the point of personal dreams? I could not reach for such wonder with my arms locked in place, forever waiting to catch my mom when she falls. And I guess that's where I was, conflicted, constrained and careening into my own pit of despair.

But...

This was NOT how it was supposed to end.

No...

This was not the end.

Just...

A road block.

And...

What I thought was myself racing toward a black hole was REALLY a black curtain.

With a line of white glimmer shining through the bottom.

Waiting...

For me to reach the light on the other side.

October 15th

I was at the library this day and was feeling especially down as I surfed the Internet seeing everyone having relatively normal lives on Facebook and feeling the “Why me?” question coming on pretty hardcore as well. What had I done to deserve such a place in life? All my accomplishments meant nothing if I could not keep treading these murky waters instead of just sinking completely. I then received a phone call that would set the course of events to unfold in which I would finally be able to face my demons head on and react with a more objective view of the situation. My grandmother called ,which, she did from time to time after her one trip to Illinois to try and save her daughter and grandson. She always asked about my mom and her condition as well as my own. I was never okay but I never really let it show but she could sense it and that's what probably propelled her to convince me to take the leap and find another place to live, away from my mom's grasp. For all intents and purposes, basically to... escape. I was enabling her bad behavior by staying there and I finally owned up to that I think once she said it I finally believed it. She asked me if I knew anyone I could stay with and I told her I would make some phone calls but that I was pretty sure I could find someone.

And that was the moment of release. The moment I decided not to live a life of misery underneath a person who seemed to have no reason to make an effort to get better. I called my one friend CJ and told him I needed a place to go but I got his voice mail. He called back no too long after that to confirm that I could indeed stay at his place. I still had to make sure it was okay with his parents but I was certain they wouldn't have a problem with it. The tide had turned and it looked like my life had some meaning again. It was an exciting feeling as I knew it would lead to my eventual full blown autonomy. Yippie Skippie Fillay!

Journal Entry: “Quite the moment really, I mean, never lived in a place without my mom before but I relish the freedom I do. A little scary sure, but isnt everything at first? Yep. What a tale I'm weaving, eh? Lets keep this train rolling. The healing, for me, has begun.”

That night I went back home after work and grabbed my clothes and my laptop in the darkness while she was still asleep. The only light that bled through was from the door to the hallway being ajar. A border of light surrounded the gap. I reached from the darkness and caught hold of the knob. I pulled hard and swung my way into the shine of the lamps beyond it all.

October 22^nd

Hey, I live with a different family now! Whoa! How cool. My mom didn't even know yet. At least I didn't think she did. I went back a couple days later to the her condo to give her a spare mail key and grab a few more things. This time I could not avoid her. As soon as I saw her I gave her the key and she quickly tossed it aside to question me as to how I was going to pay the mortgage next month while not having any money to do so. I told her I was leaving to stay with a friend and that she didn't have control over me anymore. She kept rubbing her stomach nervously throughout all of this but overall looked very much the same as she has the last few months: sickly thin and stone cold unreasonable. She said she felt I lied to her because I said I would never leave her. I counterpointed with the fact that she said she would go back to work at some point but that never did happen. I then left with my head held high knowing that in her emotional state she could do something stupid and off herself but it was a risk I would have to take in order to try to force her to come to her senses and realize that she was pushing away everything dear to her. Force her to get a grip on reality. It just had to be this way I mean I shudder to think what would have happened if I had stayed there for much longer. I probably would have shriveled up into a fungus encrusted malcontented filth agglomerate. Wow thesaurus, that last word is just genius! I sure hope it means a pile or heap or some large style moundy matter. That would be nice...

Journal Entry: “So I've lived with CJ's family for over a week now and things are going well. No rent, no food payment, get to see my best friend every day. I have an opportunity here that I didn't have before... to grow. I can make decisions for myself for once and that is a powerful feeling for sure. […] I really want to kiss a girl on her lips, that would feel so good right now...”

October 29^th

Wizzzo! This existence is soooooooooo much better than the one I had last month! People that seem to care about their lives? Well shiiiiiit, this is awesome! I am living in CJ's room on his couch (its a fairly sizable room) and I get to use his internets and such. It was a dream come true to be so at peace with things again. His mom said I could I stay as long as I liked. I had found a safe house, a place of refuge from my current familial turbulence. I remember one night I was just sitting at the computer watching this Spider Woman animated graphic novel thing on Hulu and the whole time I was watching I had this shiver run through my body like a misguided electrical charge of relief but also intense fear of the unknown. “What was to become of me?”I thought. I had no idea. I hoped it would be good things but you honestly never know for sure. My life had become something of anomaly. I had never been happier but my life was never more in shambles. I was surviving, at least. But in a really enjoyable way. My emotional walls had been torn down and the dark vandals of despair took up a surprising pace in ravaging my cerebral inhabitants of sanity so deliberately and with a kind of unbefore seen calculation of pristine execution. Luckily I was able to snake out while they were raping all my hot brain cells. So I am a little dumber now... certainly not worth my life for some sexy brain cells, eh?

Journal Entry: “... be as kind as you can to those around you, because a time will come when you realize you are not invincible and need a helping hand to pull you from the depths.”

November 5^th

Oh yeah....

Stupify! You disturbed demonoid.

We didn't...

I am Harry Potter. Did that confuse you for a second? I hope it confused you in a very wizard cool way. That first sentence is indeed false. But its not for the reason you might think. The sentence is incorrect based on its tense and not its object. For you see while it IS false that I AM Harry Potter, it would be true to say I WAS Harry Potter. For Halloween. At a Halloween Party. I cannot remember ever attending a Halloween party before so this was an extra special treat. I had been planning out my costume for weeks now and had stumbled upon the actual Harry Potter cape on a thrift store run I had made in hunt of the correct materials for the Pot man's attire. On the opposite side of the costume making procedures CJ waited until the last minute to create a costume and his outcome was a little less obvious than my magical menswear. He looked through all his desktop backgrounds for costume ideas and ended up on Dr. Gregory House from the Fox TV series “House M.D.” The problem with this is that he does not really look like this character so most of the folks who saw his suit jacket, sneakers and wooden cane combo had no idea he was going for TV's most popular doc this side of McFunky or whoever is on Grey's Fanatomy. One guy thought he was supposed to be Professor Xavier from the X-Men. This I found knee-slappingly funny. My costume went over well though. The girls in witchy outfits were fawning over me as I danced with a guy dressed as Beetlejuice. It was an odd sight to see these two very different characters breaking it down with each other as if some spatial rip between fictional dimensions just ripped open right in front of a bunch of innocent(right) party goers violently causing two monuments of dark magic/magic to flail wildly to present day popular music in which the recording artists had no fucking clue their music would ever be the baseline for this ilk of time debauchery. But that's what alcohol can do to you, you know? God, the level of attractive women there was hitting the top of the charts at a silly pace. Too bad most of them were taken. One girl that I knew from the video store struck me up in a conversation in her devilish little outfit but her overbearing boyfriend kept interrupting us with is crazy killer clown mask and fighty demeanor. It was okay though, I still was able to have other pleasant chats throughout the night. One man dressed up with aviator sunglasses and an afro kept telling me about his religion he created and how he knew it was just as illegitimate as the major religions but still he wanted to be this revered religious prophet in which he would collect a more than fair wage from his followers. Couldn't be any worse than Christianity I suppose. There was another guy there in a cowboy hat named John Bieszki. I've known him since Junior High school and to see him and talk to him again for the first time in awhile was a good feeling. What I didn't know at the time was that this formerly angst ridden teenager who's volleyball serves were more like fury strikes would be dead almost a year later from a heart attack. More on that in a year I guess. But since I didn't know this at the time I just marveled at how short this southern gentleman was in comparison to myself. “Was he always that short?” Ahhh, memories.

But we should have!

My three friends JR, Phil and Pedro were playing at an open mic place later in the week so CJ and I decided to make the journey into the November night and catch these coffee house crooners in the midst of a song or two. There was this old lady there named Eileen who played “Stand By Me” from Ben E. King and it gave me an emotional spark that only an older lady singing a song like that could produce so drippingly wet about my brain. My friends we okay, not great not bad just adequate but adequate was certainly much better than my stark absence of musicianship. I mean I had a passion to perform but all I had was a good voice but I didn't want to just sing karaoke forever. I had written all these song lyrics but had no music to accompany them. That was the extent of my commitment to music as an art form. But that first time going to this Art Galery Kafe was just for the experience of going in their for the 2^nd time, (I asked to shoot part of Ill Boys there once) and seeing my friends throw it down in a trio of tuneage. It was a very chill place and I could see myself going there many times in the future. The seed was planted. Now I just had to wait on seeing what would grow. I hope its sonic wave strawdeciberries. Top that Webster's.

The next installment will involve things like turkey and families and cold weather junk.

I'll try to make it more interesting.

Try to.

-Dan!

Trailer Park Ploys

2010-08-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Journal Entry: “The most urgent news I suppose is that my mother has announced that we are about to lose our condo because we cant pay for them any more. Not sure how to feel about that... I guess it all matters where we end up after this debacle as ended. I asked her yesterday if there was anything I could do, and she said there was nothing, nothing I could do.

Week 14

My mom was having some severe panic attacks recently so she's all like, “Will you lay with me?” which just meant being by her side while she was in bed. I mean she was really out of it at this point. I decided for better or for worse I was going to have a heart talk with her for the first time and during this confrontation I really dug into her about trying to get out of it and having a positive attitude. I got pretty angry with her and was venting my frustrations at her because she was giving up on life. I just couldn't stand to see her continue to wither away anymore, I really couldn't. From what I remember she didn't seem too particularly fazed by my one man intervention. I hit her hard with all the facts and possible consequences I could but afterward I saw no change in her behavior. I posted a Facebook status saying that I had given my mom a heart to heart talk about her crippling depression and received a response from one of my old school friends and she said that she was dealing with her own severely depressed family member and that she would lend me her ear if I needed it. This came on the heels of seeing another old friend who picked me up after seeing me walking in the rain. These two people I have known since elementary school and it was comforting to know that I at least in this period of my life they were still there for support. I hope I can stay friends with these people for the rest of my life. That would be cool. To know someone since elementary school and still be friends with them even into our golden years.

"Ooh, wonder what's goin' on down there? Sex?"

Now it was the time for most people to go back to school. We had our last baseball game of the year rained out which was a down note to another otherwise very fun season of pick up baseball with my friends. I've always enjoyed my time on the baseball field and have been playing for a long time. I've never played on an organized team or anything but I've always fashioned myself as pretty respectable ball player, might have gotten pretty good if I had ever joined a team at the high school level or something but I have no regrets there. Sure, I lacked the confidence to go and do something like that but it just wasn't meant to be...plus I hated working out. I heard you had to do a lot of running and I simply was not going to do that. I probably should have at least tried a little bit more in high school to be more socially relevant but it was a combination of shyness and a “Fuck You” attitude toward any kind of forced integration of people into specific groups. My thoughts were, “Hey, I don't need this high school cliquey bullshit! I'm gonna stay home and play video games!”What I didn't know, and this idea of “what I didn't know” will become more important as we go on, was that in isolating myself I would (get this)...feel very isolated. As much as I didn't want to be grouped in with others, I longed for the feeling of being accepted, for whatever that was worth.

Week Fifteen

Last week of August 2009 has finally arrived. It's been a hell of a season to endure that included ups as high as notes a female lead singer could reach (here's lookin' at you Natasha Khan) and lows as deep as the Drop C and Drop D of a metal tuned guitar sixth string. I mean, talk about being stretched at both ends of the spectrum... just a breathtaking life section in time But the problem now concerned how to go forward. Mom is still completely mired in depression which weighs heavier everyday that goes by. No film job, no girlfriend, completely chained to someone who has lost the will to change... this is hell. My grandmother came in from Michigan to try to help the situation by offering a voice of counsel for her daughter in response to the letter I wrote her. Its so strange to see them interacting with each other. My mom grew up with her and lived with her for almost 20 years and yet it seems as if they hardly know each other. I thought maybe this meeting might bring them closer together after years of being very emotionally distant. Its funny, the one time I saw her when she was came down I purposely did not wear my glasses so that the whole thing would be a fuzzy dream. I guess I was just tired of facing the reality of my situation, tired of looking at my mom just withering away so you could calling it a coping mechanism, whatever. My grandmother tried t help her with her finances as they eroded but after all was said and done it had done nothing as she was still unable to function by herself. So now if even if her own mother can't get her back to normal, who could?

I took a trip up to Wisconsin with my friend Rich for an Ice Cream Social with my other friends Greg and Pam, another much needed get away from it all. Had some delicious ice cream, played some Buzz trivia, belted out some Rock Band including When You Were Young by the Killers (the supreme Lolla ender), Disturbed's Down With the Sickness (Pam was surprised I knew the whole mommy tantrum part at the end, no shit right?) and Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups which, I didn't know at the time, I would be jammin' to in a pit of strangers almost a year later. Speaking of pit jammin' my next concert would be the Stimulate This!Tour featuring Halestorm, Chevelle, Shinedown and Staind at the Congress Theater in Chicago. Yes, that Chevelle, whom I had began this whole crazy summer with in the first place. Back in May... taking that shuttle bus to Indiana to a casino... Chevelle just kicking my ass in the best way. The only downer would be that they would not have as much playing time as the headliner, Staind. But still... to see them again in their home of Chicago would very, very, very much be worth it to moi. I had just finished listening to Sci-Fi Crimes, the latest entry into the musical world from Chevelle and I was sincerely blown away by what I had heard. Now, I'm not the best in describing songs (its better off if you just listen to them yourself) so I will get the help of animals to fruitfully flesh out what made Sci-Fi Crimes so great. I would equate it to a leopard playfully pawing away at your face, playfully but then violently begins to rip at the flesh until the cat has hit bone all while a nearby beautiful goose delivers a master's class on the siren song. Yeah, you should really just listen to this album. I had been listening to the single “Jars” for awhile which was holding me over until I could hear the whole thing. I just loved the urgency of it. But the song that really jumped out at me, the one that would cause me to sing at my loudest whenever I heard it was “Letter From a Thief”. I remember reading somewhere that the band thought the song had a “Smashing Pumpkins vibe,”whatever that means. If a person would like to give me a lesson on the Smashing Pumpkins effect upon the rock scene, I will sit down to table with them and drink a Big Ass Arnold Palmer while listening. Seriously, I'll do that. I have the time. But, that bridge on “Letter” is just fucking beautiful to mien ears.

I'll give a quick rundown on the concert, as it's effect upon me is not really worth expanding on to a full extent as usual.

Halestorm had a cool percussion section where everyone played drums which was pretty sick.
I was standing fairly far from the stage, which, for me was odd because I am usually adamant about getting as close as possible. Must have been all the Staind fans clogging up the GA. Those bastards.
When my guys Chevelle came on I was mucho excited. The back drop was their album art which was a nice touch (it was drawn by the bassist, Dean Bernadini).
The only song they played from the new album was “Jars” being the first single. It was the first time I had heard it live and it sounded great as I sang along to it, loudly.
During that one part in “Send the Pain Below” right before Pete Loeffer sings, “I can't feel my chest” I once again screamed out “Are you ready...Chicago!” The “Chicago” part was added this time because we weren't in Indiana like the last time I saw them.
A group of people standing in front of me all turned and looked at me because of how loud I was screaming.
They played a total of like 6 or 7 songs. I yearned for more as they left the stage. I needed more to heal my wounded soul but it was not to be as Shinedown took a hold.
Shinedown was really good and the song that affect me a lot was “Fly From the Inside” as it was featured on the one of the Madden games that I would play religiously as a yute.
I also hugged a man who loved Staind because it got him through the difficulties of buying his own house at 26.
Staind was... not my cup 'o tea. Very harsh and screamy but not in a particularly interesting manner. Lead man Aaron Lewis did some acoustic stuff too but it all felt kinda forced. I dunno I mean “So Far Away” was cool to listen to but none of it felt especially exciting but they reached a point in their career where they probably don't give a shit about critiquing their music. I can respect that. Play your hearts out, as best you can gentlemen People will always come to watch.

And now the end of summer.

September. The month that signals a fall from bright shiny sunny afternoons into a slight spell of swirling winds and cooling weather. My manically musical summer was over. The problems of my life were still there though, not to waver in the hot sun, no, they did not dissipate.

September 10th

Journal Excerpt: “Mom is back into her depressive state after being out of it for less than a day. What a fuckin tease! Haha! Well now I am gonna take care of her bills until she gets better (hopefully within a few months) so I can go on with my film career. That'd be nice!

Now at this point my living arrangements had shifted to my old babysitter's (Cyndie) trailer home with Cyndie and her tanned housemate John who ironically had the same name as her recently deceased husband John. I have known Cyndie since I was five years old, that is when she started watching me while my mother was away at work. It's weird because she is one of those people that don't really change over the years, that sort of unerodable stone that acts just it did after almost 20 years. She is the nicest person I've ever known but has been brought up not being able to make her own decisions in life. Her husband John was the main voice of her life and she just did what he said. When John died she became easy to manipulate by those around her. Cyndie could not think critically, wouldn't question people's motives. She just trusted everyone. And now I was staying there at the trailer with this guy named John. I just had to get away from my mom and her cesspool of despair. It had become an utterly toxic situation and I needed some relief. This relief would also come in the form of another concert. Regina Spektor at the Chicago Theatre. Her album is just incredible to experience in itself and to now see her live would be just incredible to the senses. My mom then decided to drop in to the trailer to check up on me. She let it be known that she couldn't be in the condo anymore because she felt really depressed anytime she was in there. So now it was my mom, Cyndie, John (a guy who did maintenance around the park.) and myself living in a trailer meant for two. Occasionally John brought in this guy named Jaime to stay there as well because he worked for him, I guess. This felt slightly less chaotic because at least, in theory there would now be more people to go to for support. In reality though it made things more difficult as the collective issues that everyone had to deal with created a bigger hole to fall through. Luckily though, my next concert was about to occur, one I had been looking forward to for awhile. Ms. Regina Spektor at the Chicago Theatre. Her latest album Far would later be named my album of the year (by me!). I just love how she can make a song with clever lyrics mixing dark and light hearted fare while showing an impressive musical acumen in her arrangement and musical nuances. I mean who's gonna say no to a dolphin's bray in “Folding Chair”? She had it all in my opinion and hearing that angelic voice of hers would most certainly calm my weary mind.

"Sex would feel really swell right about now."

What I remember about the show is vague but I will try to recreate it as best I can. The Chicago Theatre is this beautiful place with all the trimmings of an old fashioned 1920s cinema. I wasn't really sitting very close to the stage considering I bought the ticket the day it went on sale. The silver lining here was that at least that meant that she had a lot of die hard fans, so that made me not really be to affected by the seating distance. I talked to this one couple who was sitting next to me and I guess the guy had bought the tickets for his gal's birthday. How sweet of him. I wish someone would do that for me. What am I saying? I take great pride in earning my tickets through hard work and credit cards! But anyway, apparently he or his friend knew a guy who used to be in Chevelle before they got big and I thought that was kind of interesting. She really liked Tom Waits. Why this matters? I guess it doesn't but mentioning Tom Waits should give this blog more musical credibility than it would have had without it, right? Sure thing boss. The first band was called Little Joy and they were alright, straight up indie rock, no more, no less. Regina came on with much fan fare, standing ovation all that-- wearing a pastel colored dress to top it all off. She then calmly sat down and drove through much of, and eventually all of her latest album. She was backed by two cellists and a drummer for many of her songs that sounded less light and floating and more pounding and loud. That seems to be the case at 90% of concerts, having the bass as the most prominent sound texture in the compositions. I don't have a huge problem with that, it usually makes songs more danceable which can be fun. But my, my , my what a voice on that young lady. With such ease she lifts it to angelic heights which command the stage so well. For the song “Blue” I just sat there and closed my eyes to make sure my ears were as receptive as physically possible as to experience the totality of this song's beauty. . There times at a concert where you get too caught up in what you are looking at and you forget about your incredible sense of sound being completely immersed. The way she belts it out is just so powerful and heart grabbing, I mean some people say they were born to do things...Regina Spektor was born to shine. So next time you are at a concert just close your eyes for a little bit and notice the difference. You'll like it, trust me.

Her sexy face. Not to be confused with her regular face.

Sometime around midday.

Journal Entry: “Looks like that internship is actually gonna happen after all. Downtown job working on film?!?! Yes! This is gonna be awesome! This will probably be my stepping stone to bigger and better things. Mom is still kinda in limbo as far as her recovery from severe depression. I can't tell if she really is making progress or not, I mean sometimes she looks like she's on the cusp of recovery and other times she's never looked worse. I am taking her out to a park district event on Saturday, so we'll see how that goes, eh? I kept her close to me today, putting my arm around her and giving her a hug. She kept saying it wasn't her fault, and I reassured her that it wasn't. I can't believe I would do anything to see her bitch at me again about some trivial issue. Then I know she could become fully functional once more. I know if I just stay positive and keep helping her along, things can only get better.”

Cyndie said she might get evicted from her trailer if Sharon stayed there any longer and I thought that that might be a good way to lay down the law and make sure that she did not get too comfortable. Maybe this would make her more focused on going forward and getting better. Cyndie had been great through this whole ordeal and I was extremely glad to have a person like this in my life. It always felt, though, that we were taking advantage of her in some way. I hated that. I hated feeling like I was using someone. When you are in desperate times I guess you enter a sort of survival mode and you don't especially consider the consequences of your actions but rather just the end result.

So the trip to Cedarburg, WI for their annual wine festival went terribly awry. She just couldn't stop crying. When she did occasionally not ball profusely about how much she loved me and how it wasn't her fault she danced under the haze of the vino she was downing from various vendors. We barely were able to go to this thing in the first place because it was supposed to be for senior citizens, not twenty somethings featuring their emotionally unstable mothers...but there we were, issues and all. I kept trying to take her out to places though like Brookfield Zoo and Gurnee Mills Mall. The zoo was awful because she kept wanting to rush through everything as she always did and then take the trolley over and over again. We argued a lot that day about things I can't remember. Probably just me trying to convince her to make an effort to get out of the hole she had dug herself into with all her inaction. It's a shame. I really like zoos too. The Gurnee Mills story is just a dark comedy scene brought to life. We drive for two hours to get to the Mall all the way up north for another way to keep her mind busy. We ended up staying for just ten minutes as she got an ice cream cone and a short merry-go-round ride before we had to leave so I could attempt to get to work on time. It took another two hours to drive back making me a half hour late to work. Four hours of driving for only ten minutes at a mall! INSANITY ALERT/INSANITY ALERT\INSANITY ALERT/INSANITY ALERT\INSANITY ALERT

Because I have literally no pictures in relation to this story.

Now I was at Usher Park in Itasca, once again trying to get away from my mother and gain some kind of mental peace. I love this park, its one of those few places I could go to and just forget about the outside world and just stare off into mother nature's teat—what a treat! The problem with straying too much is that my mother would get very anxious and try to call me and find out where I had gone and fill in on her feelings as if I hadn't heard a thousand times how much she hated living at our condo. She was acting like a spoiled baby that needed to be coddled into a tranquil state. I had turned into her parent and she had become my child. She called me again while I was at the park and once she figured out where I was (as much as I tried to hide it), she was on her way.

Journal Entry: “Great. Just fuckin great. I sure hope this all goes well. This would be the hardest, most trying time of my life. I mean every day is a challenge, a challenge to my life as a free young man that would love to escape the restraints of a woman that doesn't (at times) seem to want to save herself. It's a kind of hellish back and forth of emotions you really can't appreciate unless you've done it. I wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through this kind of stuff. When dealing with someone who's in a dark depressed state, there's an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness. You know, you've done everything thing you can and it still seems as though you haven't done enough.

She rode over looking as terrible as ever. She sat next to me at this park table and we just had the same old conversations about how I implored her to just be positive for once about her situation and her rebuttals of wishing her life to end, that the pressure was too much. “What pressure?” I thought. No job, no kids (I mean I was the parent between the two of us right?) and all the time she needed to get better. Still, she was not going to budge. You know, I think somewhere around this time I could feel her depression seeping into me with a slow burn that churned deep into my heart. My resolve was weakening and I also began to see little hope. Why keep trying? What would be the point? This all just devoured any kind of joy I may have had and left me trapped in a life which laughed at my so called dreams of an extraordinary existence.

"Help."

In the next part, I make a break for it.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOO!!!! WOWEEZOWEE!

--Dan!

Lollapaloozans!, The Life and End of the

2010-05-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

Lollapalooza - Day 2

Delta Spirit

These guys were a band I was looking forward to when I first heard their lead vocalist. He sung with so much passion, I guess the other members of the band found Matt Vasquez just singing drunkenly outside of a drinking establishment. Pretty gritty stuff. They were the first band playing and they had the big stage that the headliners were going to play on so they had some pressure on them despite being an early band but boy did they ever deliver. Their brand of folk inspired rock hypnotized the people in attendance with songs featuring “people” like “People C'mon” and “People, Turn Around” which bled through the hangover of Day 1 as me Don and JR were once again lost into the sound that bled into our frilly mental afghans. Reminiscent of old protest songs from the sixties these rallying cries were warm and urgent at times and at other times just very danceable. The way this was all was going down it was turning into one of those classic performances that was to resonate years after this Lollapalooza had completed. Vasquez then made a call to a relative named Travis and made us yell our congratulations at him for getting married so that Matt could justify not being there in person because of this performance in Chicago. Classy. The three of us walked away agreeing that we wouldn't be surprised to see this band as a headliner in the near future. Just a special moment, early on at that. Sure, its no falling out of a haphazard hammock but it will stick with me in that same manner though. In that whimsical/legendary manner of things...

After that Don got a text (from the Lolla texting service I guess) and it said that the living blues legend Buddy Guy was going to be at the Kidapalooza stage so we headed over there and enjoyed his delightful relationship with this young pale kid who was bringin' the guitar thunder with some pretty significant voltage and I could barely see what was going on because so many people had wandered over there after the mass text. Gotta love a flash mob, eh?

Drank some water after that before we decided what to do next. Water is very important in places like this as now the weather had reached warmth that the day before seemed impossible. Now we were in the 70s-80s Fahrenheit and you had to be careful of people getting too dehydrated. I heard one guy died from a cardiac arrest or something on day one so the threat of injury or worse is present but if just keep drinkin' (water, you drunks), layer on the sun tan lotion and wear comfortable footwear you should be fine.

Atmosphere

Now we headed back to where Delta Spirit had played to enjoy the rapper simply billed as Atmosphere. I had never actually seen a “professional rapper” before and this was gonna be a treat. He rapped about important issues like poverty, politics and real people. Definitely not all bitches and rims with his SoCo. He had the place hoppin' and the energy level was pretty high as the temperatures reached very high levels. Hip hop lives! Huzzah!

Arctic Monkeys

So after little debate we went over to where the Arctic Monkeys would be playing and just sat around for awhile, our first such respite of the weekend. At this point we were joined by Dan Feeney who I had never met before and the only thing we really had in common was our shared first name which really isn't that uncommon anyway. So he new Don and JR but to me he was kind of a random dude-lio but that was cool, whatever. I could smell the weed all over the place but that goes without saying I guess. If you got hot acts smoking up the stages you are inarguably also going to have people tokin' up their wages. Ah, the countryside in August. Such a sensory explosion of the utmost quality. There was this stuffed flower toy that someone had in their hand you know just wavin' it around, that stuck out for some reason. Flower power! Yeah! We waited on that field for at least a half hour but once those freezing primates did come on it was well worth the wait. I had first discovered AM when I might still have been high school and saw their music video for “When the Sun Goes Down” which was just this amazing piece of music and imagery in the video that was nothing I had experienced before. The story telling about this prostitute and the transition from the subtle to the absurd and the tempo changes and it all just kind of came together into a moment that would be etched into my brain as I moved forward. Shortly after that I heard “I Bet That You Look Good On the Dance Floor” for the first time and it was settled... I loved the Arctic Monkeys. Not because they fit some style I mimicked or fad I was into but rather it was because their sound was this forceful difference that moved me right away. This band was a definite part of my maturing process but I don't think I really appreciated it at the time. I've heard that they were one of the first bands to gain popularity via YouTube and Myspace over traditional modes of promotion for bands. I was indeed a part of that mini revolution. Flash forward about five years later. AM was on the verge of a third record, Humbug, and I hadn't even listened to Favourite Worst Nightmare yet. This lack would be fully realized when I heard someone in the crowd ask another person “I wonder if they are going to play Brianstorm”and I thought to myself, “What a dick! He really means Brainstorm!” Gawrsh was I wrong! Turned out it was Brianstorm after all. After I heard of them initially I sort of lost track of their career but now was the best time to get reacquainted. They didn't play “When The Sun Goes Down” *sigh* but they did play the 2^nd song and when they brought it out I just happened to have my 300Z Stratocaster air guitar strapped on my shoulder to rock out with as they broke into “...Dance Floor”. This was the second time I had a full body reaction to this song in public. The first time was when I was interviewed at an Elmhurst College radio station regarding my love for R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet series. Anthony Mele asked me to pick some songs to play during the breaks and one of them was “...Dance Floor” in which I danced with as many moves as I could fathom for the entire song. This time though I was not alone in my vibrant body language as I was surrounded by tens of thousands of my closest friends.

Getting out after their set was done was a major chore. I guess a very large amount of the crowd made their way over to see Arctic Monkeys than see Coheed and Cambria and this was evident in our exit time from that stage. At one point we were just standing there waiting for more people to move ahead for at least eight minutes but I we had all just experienced a really awesome band give us their best so everyone was fairly well mannered in the scramble to get to the next destination. This would be the second time of the weekend that I would be parting ways with Don and JR. They were going to wait and get good spots to see the all powerful Animal Collective while I headed over to see the punk warriors Rise Against.

Rise Against

These guys were pretty straight forward, very energetic as they pounded through their various hits throughout their career and this Chicago crowd was no doubt loving these punks from the area. I knew a lot of their songs so it was a pleasure to sing along with them as they danced around in their tight pants and such. These guys were also at Summerfest the day I went and I would have seen RA then if it weren't for the magnificence of Conor Oberst and his Mystic Valley band. They talked about the significance of playing in Grant Park and that they would be back to play in Chicago before the year was out. Good to know. I wouldn't mind seeing these guys in a more intimate setting at some point but for now I was very pleased with their live sound. It sounded a lot like their albums but lit with a higher sense of urgency. I know other friends who would have loved to see RA even more than I did so for those people, let me just say they certainly lived up to all you might have hoped for in a damn good live performance. Moving on then...

Animal Collective

So then it was back to the previous stage to take in the jam banders known sveltely as Animal Collective and their sort of ambient/overlapping tracks that seemingly never end. I don't think a lot of people understand the appeal of AC because their music is so experimental and because of this like all experimental arts the attempt to open your mind can be confusing for some and just plain too weird for others. The crowd at the show seemed to be divided into the people in the pit who were totally into this kind of ethereal experience and then the people standing around them who were taking in this higher order of sound and just sorta nodding along to this building, building, building of sound and rhythm which was underscored by all these odd images being displayed on the big screens that were showing a lot of haphazard images to liberate the mind to fully appreciate the parallel sounds that were being played as well. The whole experience was completely new to me as it was for many there at the park but I think after the set was done everyone was better off in some way. Whether just feeling great due to knowing the songs and finally hearing them live or for others, delving into a sweet sonic adventure that was filled with unknown sounds which melted together better than one might have originally expected.

TOOL

After that almost continuous loop of sound I made a bee line for the main stage where Tool was going to close out the day. I saw maybe one other guy make the same run for it as I did after Animal Collective since almost everyone from that crowd was heading back all the way across the park to catch the New York trio that had caught fire as of late with a lot of word of mouth promotion, Yeah Yeah Yeahs. This spot was originally supposed to be featuring Los Beastie Boys but with the recent diagnoses of cancer to Adam Yauch, their set was not to be. I made sure I didn't look into Yeah Yeah Yeahs at all before the concert because I was so set on seeing Tool that I didn't wanna get my hopes up of really liking YYYs then not seeing them which would have in-turn made me a sad face manimal which is a state of existence that no one wants to inhabit, ya dig? I was to see Tool and the legendary Maynard James Keenan bring their brooding and complex brand of stoner rock into the annals of Chicago for another fist pumping occasion. They had already started as AC ran late. The set was very tight with not much room for improvisation cranked out all the well known songs in their catalog. “Parabola” “Stinkfist” “Forty Six and 2” “Vicarous” and “Schism” are songs that come to mind that were executed perfectly. It was almost a certain tedium that emerged with the picture perfect cd quality representation of their popular tunes. They even were showing the music videos on the big screens as they played each song. I guess I was expecting something more or less... unexpected. That really only came in-between songs when MJK was making fun of all the weed being smoked and how we were all under arrest because of our illegal activities that he had apparently sniffed out. Oh Maynard, you crass serenader. So after that was all done I kind of wished I would have seen Yeah Yeah Yeahs as Don assured me they were excellent. I wouldn't have appreciated them as much as if I had heard their legacy of tunes prior to seeing them live so it was for the best I do believe.

The life that I was currently enjoying was filled with the best moments I could dare remember in my short 22 years. This second day had just about concluded and I was feeling so... happy and wistful, like I could already see my self reminiscing about these incredible times years and years from now. The despair I felt before was retreating, if only for a weekend. As my eyes filled with brightly colored lights and my ear holes sank in from the pressure of the combined force of men and women chatting before and after performances and performers vibrating their instruments during the performances, there was no room for the chilling thoughts of where my life was heading to fill my mind. I was in awe of it all and I just wanted more than I could handle. Like overfilling a bathtub with water I wanted this music to spread beyond my preconceived limit of joyous delight and carelessly flood my body again and again and again until it didn't make sense to feel abandoned anymore.

… Day 3 cometh.

Lollapalooza – Day Three

Well here we are, last day of this hella crazy festival of lights and sounds. This was going to make the festival. Either a small letdown or a giant upswing, this was it. One last to chance to vent the frustrations that had built up over whatever occupied your mind. It was gonna be hot, sticky and hard to breathe at points but it would all be worth it. Hopefully.

Ra Ra Riot

Beginning with Ra Ra Riot, this last day was off to an upbeat start with their poppy brand of indie styles featuring violins and cellos which added some interesting dynamics to the classic guitar + bass + drums set up. The lead singer jumped off the stage and sang near the crowd which was cool. Putting yourself in danger is always a great way to get more information about you on a blog and that's the truth. This was also where I first received a comment about my shirt, which featured a sort of peaceful protest that happened at Woodstock I believe. It was a drunk guy that simply said he liked my shirt. I could just cuddle with that much love all day.

Bat For Lashes (Bat For Lashes in Dingbats font, or not...)

JR, Don and I took a sit after that last act as we really hadn't had much time to rest after all the standing around so we took our place in front of Bat For Lashes. I had heard the single “Daniel” before and that really struck a chord with me as Natasha Khan's hauntingly beautiful voice collaborated with this sort of house styled music which was laid back but also an urgent call from the dark to find the light. As time went on in their set they drew us closer and closer and closer to the stage; I mean we just couldn't sit down and take it softly. We snaked are way up to this modern siren that cooled are hearts right before she set them aflame. Those rhythms that were being produced swam through the heat stricken crowd and made us dance softly above the sand. She had this one song where she was playing this one instrument that was like a table top harpsichord known as an “autoharp” and it combined with her lovely voice, just breathtaking. The emotion she displayed just soared out of her like a blooming daisy saying hello to the shining sun. When she finally got around to singing “Daniel” it roped me in hard... I felt like I was the only person in the park, like the song was just for me. That moment had a real effect upon me and one that I will hold onto in hard times. An aaaaaaaabsolutely amazzzzzzzzzzing public presentation of her passions. Beautiful! Beautiful? Beautiful.

The Airborne Toxic Event

JR was now collecting plastic bottles and other recyclables into a garbage bag in order to win a t-shirt that extolled these virtues but I'm sure he would have done it anyway solely on his respect for the environment and its need to be saved (right). Next was another band that I was really looking forward to, The Airborne Toxic Event. We caught the tail end of them because we had to get water but what we did see was really, really good. Another vocalist I hold in high regard, Mikel Jollett who along with guitarist Stephen Chen, bassist Noah Harmon, drummer Daren Taylor and violinist Anna Bulbrook brought these sort of songs meant for a novel about twenty something's malaise into Lollapalooza and into the hearts of all who witnessed them. The vocals are dark and moody with sort of a mix of indie rock and straight up American rock. “Sometime Around Midnight” and “Innocence” were the last two songs they played which were masterful performances of pulsing sound that hit a cresendo then tapered off into the great reverberative beyond. Very solid, as my young friend Don would say and in fact did say about this particularly courageous cast of musicians.

Vampire Weekend

This would be the last time Don, JR and I would see a clear way to the water fountains for awhile as we decided to wait around for Vampire Weekend to make their way to this stage we were at already. I really hadn't heard much of anything the Vamps had done to garner so much buzz from about a year prior but I was most certainly interested in finding out, here, at an outdoor festival, amongst the sweat swooned men and ladies who decided to make the same trek as myself. Don and I struck up this conversation with some kid from Florida while waiting for JR to find his way to where we were (about 7 rows back!) and he seemed a little socially awkward but we debated such debatable topics such as the stagnant creativity of Green Day, his dislike of female singers and his great affinity for the band Against Me! Anyway, after a good forty minutes of just dick bagging around the weekend bloodsuckers finally decided to get their asses out for their public to fawn over just as JR miraculously made his way up where we were. He was giving people water as he knifed through the throng. I was a little caught off guard by these guys with their nondescript clothing and modest demeanors. We were all having a good dancy time that featured a pretty fat guy who wanted to be lifted up to catch some major crowd waves (sadly, he was dropped on the attempt). It was a cool feeling to be this close to a band that was on the radar of every hip cat in the States, it really was. I liked their stuff, probably not as much as most people there but it had sort of a tongue-in-cheek quality to it and I could dig that. John Hughes had died recently as well and the four some from the Ivy League mentioned that they grew up on that stuff and I guess they felt it pertinent to bring him up as they were playing in the town he was from, so that was unexpected but appreciated. That crowd was bouncin' though and it was impossible to control the directional movement of your body in there... and I was loving it all. After it was all said and done even leaving the pit area was a chore as folks were just so mashed into each other. No one got hurt but someone easily could have under the right amount of influence. But yes, WATER! Thank goodness!

Day 3 was only halfway done and it had already eclipsed both the other two days in essence of enjoyment. The funkiest stuff was being saved up for this last day, it was all to obvious now. I was in for one of the GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE... and it seeped in just so organically that I didn't even realize it until right then.

We took a little bit of a sit after that in front of the Cold War Kids which Don eventually dove into as he enjoys there music very much. In the meantime JR and I just kind of sat around resting our laurels when we made our first and only non musical celebrity discovery: Chicago Bulls starting big man Joakim Noah! What a tall dude...but I'm sure he gets that a lot...damn does he get the hotties or what? I love the Bulls so that was an interesting random moment. Still haven't made it to a Bulls game but would love to some day.

Lou Reed

We then made our way all the way across the park over to see the Punk rock legend Lou Reed and not the hip hop veteran Snoop Dog (who we were much closer to in vicinity) . This fuckin' guy was not content on delivering a feel good summertime set but rather a distortion filled noise – a- palooza which turned many people off but to anybody interested in pushing boundaries, this was a real treat. I was personally waiting for his uber classic “Take a Walk On the Wild Side” to fill Chicago with those lyrics about colored girls and oral sex and such. He and his amazing band, including a bangin' saxophonist, eventually got there but not after giving the crowd more Lou Reed than they may have ever expected from the grandfatherly patron saint of punk. I will most likely grow to appreciate this particular performance more and more as the years go on because I think right now I can feel myself get drawn into all these buzz bands and forget the roots of what I'm hearing that come from people like Mr. Living Legend himself.

Silversun Pickups

Here's a band that I had been quite anxious to see. Just hearing their two well known singles “Lazy Eye” and “Panic Switch” gave me emotions that were a mix of nostalgia and surprise. Just looking at those pictures again it makes me feel so lucky to know that I was there in that moment to see them play as hard and as loud as they possibly could under the restraints of being human beings. I could feel as if I was growing up right there amidst the force of these songs about stressful love and life. Maybe I was. We got to the stage for just those last two songs but they played those songs so solidly and it just felt like the music videos for those songs which are just great at capturing the feel of both “Lazy Eye” and “Panic Switch”in a very meaningful way. It can be difficult to capture the true feel of a song in a video but whoever put together their vids really knew a thing or two about video production. In regards to the live performance though it was just phenomenal. So much energy, and they were so grateful to be up there you really couldn't have asked for much more from a band at a festival. It was just a wall of penetrative sound that had plenty of texture . So to the Silversun Pickups I say thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you.

The Killers

Now there was only one act left this weekend to spin tales of heartbreak and adventure and this act would have to be killer to bring the place to a mind shattering crescendo. I had really only known the singles that this next band had put out and I didn't put much thought into them other than “Hey, that's kind of a catchy tune, eh? Yeah yeah, real nice... but now its time to go back to staring at women's back-door melons... you've never seen a tastier looking honeydew than ones that are home grown outside your window...” But anyway, I was unfamiliar with the complete masterworks of Brandon Flowers and his traveling group of Las Vegan troubadours. I certainly had no interest in seeing Jane's Addiction so The Killers would be my last chance to shake my booty all around the friendly confines of the beautiful Grant Park. Being a headliner, they had an awesome light set up with an LED lights display that showed cool designs and such which made every song seem that much more important. It started it off slow with some of their newer stuff off of Day & Age but quickly heated up once they got into some of their more massively popular hits like “Somebody Told Me” and “Mr. Brightside” things began to warm up considerably. This crowd was totally into them, every beat, every word was being echoed fifty thousand fold at this point of the night. The pulse of the crowd kept jumping up to levels I hadn't seen before at a live event and once they capped off their majestic set with the cathartic “When You Were Young” the whole place went up for grabs as the fireworks rained down from the top of the stage in a frizzled amber spray. An ending worth remembering for many lifetimes over. Is it over already? Fuck... this was so amazing. Possibly the greatest weekend of my existence had just passed and little did I know, this was just the beginning of extreme life moments to come in 2009. At least I knew my friends would be there with me along the ride...

P.S. My pick for set of the weekend goes to Delta Spirit. Boo-yah.

P.P.S. Thanks for some of your photos JR. I couldn't have shot me any better...

Dan!

Lollapaloozans!, The Birth Of The

2010-04-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Week Eleven

Journal Entry: “Week Eleven of my summer, and this entry will be done at my local Wendy's. Now Wendy, she is portrayed as this sprightly young red headed girl that hovers over these restaurants as sort of a ghost just haunting the hell outta every establishment in her name. A little specter of advertising and public relations. Really stays with ya, you know?”

So this week was punctuated by my mom being escorted to the hospital by a full menagerie of policemen, firefighters and paramedics. She called up 911 because she was having a panic attack and they come not too long after that. They sit her down and move me into another room and ask me if she has ever talked to me about killing herself. I said that she had and they then asked me how long I had lived at this residence. I said around twenty years. You know, the truth... and these police officers snug in their cute little matching outfits are completely taken aback in this moment, stunned. “Twenty years? In this apartment?”one of them quips. “What's that highchair over there?” He saw my old high chair from when I was a baby. He mostly likely thought that there was some baby living with us as well. This all made me feel worthless, as if I had the last twenty years of my life, from cradle to college graduate, to shape my life into something that resembled a socially acceptable way of life. I had failed that expectation. I was still living in the same apartment, yup. No doubt about that. Was this really so shocking? These are fucking police officers. You'd think they'd have seen dead bodies and shit to fill there nightmares on a semi-weekly basis. This was my hole to dig out of and when strangers come in and judge you it is always going to be painful. Are they intentionally trying to do it? I will say no. They just have been brought up in this suburban environment like everybody else and they think the same way because that is how they are trained to do it. But...whatever. They were gone as soon as they arrived, whisking my mom away to whatever hospital it was that day. More medical bills she can't and won't pay. Yippee. She sure knows how to party.

Week Twelve

Journal Entry: “So it has been a full three months since I have graduated from college. That's right, a whole season has gone by... soon the draft will come in and make the warm weather a distant memory. Mosquito bites realm out into frost bites and a various other intricacies of the sort.”

It's weird because growing up you never really get to enjoy autumn in a personal way as you have school to keep your mind occupied and when you do get to have some fun in fall its systematically put in place so everyone can be the same and have the same memories going to the same social events for Halloween and Thanksgiving, etc. Now though, now that I have been expunged from the social institutions that are public and private education my scheduled has suddenly opened up with a gaping hole for my own torrid exploration of the season. Bitchin'.

Still hoping for a film job as well. I guess I can't just piddle my days away walking, walking, walking these streets, paths and pavement to forget about my problems. I would have to fend for myself at some point if I wasn't doing that already in some way. Walking extendedly is so peaceful for me and I would never give it up for car exclusivity. I really can't stress that enough dudes and dudettes. Please walk to places if you can. It'll make you feel good inside without exploring drugs and alcohol. But I suppose there's time for that as well. Mom's back after a week away at a behavioral institution so now she's back on my plate. I've never been more stressed in my life than having to deal with her in this state she has found herself in. At this point I still believe she has some light amidst her darkness to get past this but day after day the hope decreases and I look to other things to give me the heart I need to continue my life.

INSERT Lollapalooza, for example. Tee hee.

Week Thirteen

So here were are... Friday marks the first day of Chicago's premier three day music freak out and I...Dan Bejarano would be attending I for the first time. I mean that's some major shit going down son. I had never really wanted to go to anything like this before. The mass amounts of people, the hot weather, the hard to find water and food, all the walking...it didn't really appeal to me before I seriously got into music. But now here I was, a young man with so much potential to do great things with my life finding an escape from the emotional clamp that my mom had first put on me from the day I was born. I was so excited and relieved to be a part of this whole musical institution that I didn't even have plans to go with any specific friends or anything, just a general “Eh, I think I'll find people I know that are also going and just throw that down and see what comes of it.” Lucky for me there were people I knew that were going, Fuliob Trendellsane and Meck Vitrioload. Haha, just foolin! JR and Don. The three of us, along with Dan Feeney for a time, would feel ourselves explode in a series of bandy blasts that would set off a chain reaction of memories to be etched into our minds forever as the Chicago skyline provided the backdrop for this weekend of putting aside our problems and differences to meet in a common arena of wall to wall appreciation of well played music. Now can you dig that, sucka?

I get off the train at Union Station and follow the trail of hipsters to the festival grounds at Grant Park with a heart filled with the pure joy of an expectant adventure. I'm thinkin' that Don and JR are already there so I try to make good time in transit. I get in line and see the huge inflatable “Lollapalooza” sign and am struck with awe as it signals the very beginning of my new found journey into the musical stratosphere. I am alone at the moment but that does not hinder my anticipation at all. I've come a long way... I was gonna enjoy this, no matter the cost.

I get through the line and get to finally be inside the festival and make a call to Don to see where I should meet them. Turns out they are still on the train. Well, time to explore then I suppose...

Yuto Miazawa

I head over to the kiddie stage to witness my first artist of the weekend. It's this Asian kid, Yuto Miazawa. With an emotionless face he shreds his demonic looking guitar with Black Sabbath's Crazy Train along with other classics I cannot recall. The crowd was lovin' him though, I mean he's this sort of prodigy and people love geniuses flexing their mind muscles, right?

The Hammock Incident

So after that I walked over to the Q101 Hammock Alley to check out the hammocks and to a lesser extent the alley when something inside me just warranted me to run at the first empty hammock I saw and leap upon it. That seemed a reasonable request from a mysterious inner voice, I mean it was just a hammock what's the worst that could occur? So I see one and run at it, leap and this force from my body causes the darn thing to start flipping over which sends me into a fright as I attempt to right this ship before I completely capsize. I fall flat on my face as onlookers chuckle in ironic approval. A hammock official then comes over and shows me the correct way to mount a hammock without eating dirt. It was a little embarrassing but mostly I enjoyed being the center of attention as I usually do. I remember saying that it was “Already an adventure” in my book. So that was an interesting little moment to start a major music festival for me.

Gringo Starr

I watched this other folky band Other Lives for a minute or so before I got a call from Don saying that him and JR had arrived and to meet them at another stage to witness Gringo Starr. I was planning on seeing Manchester Orchestra but I didn't wanna miss out on meeting up with my friends...so off I went. It was a little weird because their weren't that many people at this stage and some like over 40 guy was just standing there off to the side I think he might have been a music critic, not sure. So Don and JR arrive and we embrace in a very manly way if I remember correctly it was hand shake hugs or something, definitely socially acceptable, that's for suuure. Anyway Gringo Star comes out and they are surprisingly good. They had so much energy and passion with sweat visibly pouring down their faces it was not even that hot out and these early bird guys were having a great time entertaining the crowd with a sort of twangy rock that involved all four band members rotating between instruments to show off their multi-talents I suppose. An interesting band for sure, very cool gentlemen all around.

Joe Lewis and the Honeybears

Next it was on to Joe Lewis and the Honeybears who did a nice job of looking classy with dress shirts and fine pants mixed with lead singer Joe Lewis's trucker hat and black getup as some random young lady danced with the rest of the ensemble. The songs were about his issues involving not being able to pay for things and having to work at McDonalds to attempt to recoup his apparent financial losses. Their distinct jazzy feel was pretty cool though as I don't believe I've ever heard a jazz band before so that was new. Some major funky fresh tempos for Mr. Joe Lewis who commanded his guitar like a parenting a young boy. Stern but loving. After the set Joe just kinda ran off the stage into the streets never to be seen again. I guess that works. Hope to see you again JOE JOE!!!

The Gaslight Anthem

So at this point it starts raining like no water has ever touched the earth. Bummmmer. We would have to deal with this rain the rest of the day or at least die of hypothermia trying! Next up is The Gaslight Anthem, a band that had a certain Dropkick Murphys feel to them which did attract me a bit to them. Very chorusy, very catchy and a little bit like Rise Against who I would see later in the weekend. Their latest album is called The '59 Sound and it did kind of harken back to days gone buy with girls named Susie going out to the sock hops and dancing to old school rock 'n roll. The lead singer said that rain reveals a lot about a city and that us blue collar guys were alright to him. That was cool. Didn't make me feel any drier, but appreciated nonetheless.

Bon Iver

So we then made our way to another stage as the rain was as its worst, but I really wasn't that affected by it, I mean this was a band that I had only discovered recently but I was definitely looking forward to their performance. The lead singer has such a delicacy to his tender voice that you can't help but feel his heart break as your own. The collective body heat of the crowd was the main source of warmth as umbrellas were prevalent despite the fact that they made it difficult to see the stage. Assholes. But the highlight was the song “Wolves” in which during the song I closed my eyes and let the bassy beats overtake my body and all of a sudden I was transported to a black sea of THUMP, THUMP, THUMP... bass tones in me bones! The for awhile they were messing around with the sound effects and pedals which probably turned some off but in the spirit of the festival: experimental was, at times, essential. After that we made our way over to the next stage over in some very treacherous mud to catch Captain Crooner himself, Mr. Benjamin Folds.

Ben Folds

Ah, this guy. I was most familiar with his latest album Way to Normal than all that other stuff he had released before that so I figured there wouldn't be a lot of songs that I knew but that was cool, I mean not knowing what you're getting into and then going into it can be very exhilarating after all. Let me just walk over there with the guys in some deep mud *squish* *squish* *squish* There we go... Okay so now Benny starts up his piano with a madness only known to people who have had mercury poisoning or similar ailments of a mentally distorting nature. I mean he was going up and down those scales with wreckless abandon! Anything I guess to lift the spirits of this rain weary contingent. Quite cheery, but overall probably not his best work. Twinkling the ivories with a magician's touch he did but I guess the crowd wasn't really feeling him. I hope to see him again one day though, he's a very talented pianist.

Fleet Foxes

This header would have said Crystal Castles if it were not for Don and JR going to see Fleet Foxes. I didn't really feel like walking all the way across the Lolla grounds just to see a band that I only kind of loiked anyway so this was probably for the best so I went along with them. I had tried listening to their album back in 2008 when I was downloading all the critics' most lauded albums to test out my bangin' new headphones but for some reason their folky stylings didn't really mesh with my still growing pallet of sounds. I mean, my heart will always be with alternative rock but I cannot deny my relentless drive to experience the new and unfamiliar. You don't know what you're missing until you actually see it or hear it yourself and that's always something that has captivated my attention. But these guys in Fleet Foxes looked like they had just got done with a fit of lumberjacking in the Blue Ridge Mountains upwards toward Tennessee with their lengthy beards and flannel. But those harmonies...goodness. Like manly angels faneagaling their way down from heaven onto the heartland of America with their cavernous echoscope of sound. I could feel the tide shifting. Both literally in the rain and figuratively in my musical tastes. I was awed with the rest of those bravely moistened folks who liked the genre of folk.

So at this point Me, Don and JR had to part ways as they wanted to a get good view of Of Montreal and I, well, did not. I had previously heard some Of Montreal here and there but I wasn't really getting 'em so to speak. I have been listening to them more lately and I can assure you that I enjoy them more now than I did then. One day I may grow to enjoy them with pizazz, who knows? . Anyway, Don & JR bid me adieu and shoved off to those not-actually-Canadian- rockers-who-apparently-wrote-a-jingle-for-Outback-Steakhouse as I walked over to the next stage over to catch some of a little known band named after the last month of the year. Ah, the adventure of it all... and that marijuana smell! Whoa! I was trying not to be too overwhelmed.

The Decemberists

Over I went to that same stage that had Ben Folds earlier and tried to find a fairly good spot too see this very well known ensemble featuring their Hazards Of Love rock opera. They had people in wedding gowns as everyone danced in oddly rhythmic patterns attempting to recreate some kind of timeless fable. It felt like what I was watching was very important and was being timestamped within my mind like seeing a some young upstart basketball player crossover an aged veteran guy for the first time. It just sticks with you. I mean The Decemberists will likely be around for a very long time so I suppose it makes sense to kind of encapsulate them into this timeless memory. Overall, very good... maybe a little overhyped but very enjoyable musicianship indeed.

Andrew Bird

Now Andrew Bird had the opportunity to take over Chicago with his adept whistling and violin playing skills. He delivered an awesome performance that was a mix of his understated demeanor and deceivingly multi-faceted voice. People were definitely getting down for this guy who's music was fully orchestral at times and other times very peeled back and wholly stark. It was this back and forth that made his music feel so dramatic and intrinsically urgent. He's a singular talent that cannot be unrecognized. A man with this much flair for the combination of sounds will soon sit the annals of legend looking over his golden accomplishments feeling that his small contributions to the world have made a speakable difference in the lives of those who have listened. Is it safe to say I enjoyed his set? Haha. Thought so. Let's move on to the headliner of Day 1.

Kings Of Leon

There were so any people at this stage, I couldn't even really see the big screens very well that's how many folks had taken over this stage. I heard that a lot of people were there to see Depeche Mode but it didn't feel like it to this young bloggosaurus! We were packed so tight there in that area I could feel my crotch just being stuffed into the buttockses of fellow audience members which is always an awkward experience for all I do decree. But as far as the music went, this very humble quartet was playing all its hits from Only By The Night and Because of the Times which was cool. This is the band that is going to bring rock 'n roll back to the forefront of American popular music and to be in that place with the choruses of “Sex on Fire” “Manhattan” and “Use Somebody” full of people of all backgrounds singin' these soon to be classic tunes was (now that I think about it) really quite amazing. Glamorous rock stars? No, more like modest old school guys just doin' what they love and entertaining a shitload of people in the process. K.O.L. *Thumbs Up* You deserve it.

It was a race to get back to the train before it left but that mission was accomplished. Phew. So hard getting outta there with all those tens of thousands of concert goers. An amazing first day despite the weather. I was feeling so good here, like nothing bad could happen to anyone after being in an environment like that for a whole day. That energy, those lights... and this was only the beginning!

Until Day 2,

Dan!

2010-01-24T23:14:00.000-08:00

Week Eight

I had an in depth life conversation with my friend Jon this week. It was a chat that began as an innocent questioning of my non-driving lifestyle but then evolved into a more developed conversation about our philosophies on life. Jon's parents told him that life was a race to the finish, you know, some kind of overarching lesson that preaches the dangers of being left behind therefore being denied the ultimate prize... no not peace and love you hippie! Money! Hoodat be makin those dizzolars? Yes, the race to financial security is a long and arduous one but it will all be worth it for the end results. A glorious two bathroom threeish bedroom suburban four waller and one of those glitzy patio swings that folds out into a twenty nine foot high flagpole that phallically displays a banner with your annual gross income stitched in red numbers. I'm mean that's straight up ballin' yo. Definitely worth all the fuss and muss surrounding capitalistic endeavors thrust upon our aspiring professionals known as America's youth.

Journal Excerpt: “Buy, buy, buy 'til ya die, die, die. I see many of my friends falling into it and it worries me that their lives could be trapped in a sea of silence. Without a voice, nothing can be done.”

Week Eight (again?)

Apparently I named this week “Week Eight” as well so I'm just gonna go ahead and go with that. This would be the week I purchased my ticket for Lollapalooza, Chicago's mega music festival with a bunch of drinkers, smokers, tokers, jokers, cloakers, non-soapers to fill out the crowds for a good three days of standing and listening to sound-waves flutter abound through an animal collective consciousness...so to speak. I was really kinda just waiting for more money to flow my way before I bought the 3 day pass but as the weeks passed one after another beyond graduation I just thought, “Screw it, I have worked at this video store and have been giving every single check to my mother and now I think I deserve something great to offset those years of subservience!” Yeah. It was the summer of musical deliverance and I was heading off to Mecca. Religion of the mainstream is based on fairy tales anyway so why not put your faith in a musically defined life guidance path? I don't think that's too far fetched to put into practice. Now seeing a brown duck holding a green onion stalk... that's far fetched! This three day party would most likely be the highlight of my summer and now that it was going to happen for sure I was sincerely a happy man...for that day at least. The ticket purchasing day. Not, in general.

Journal Excerpt: “My mom is back in a hospital environment. This is the summer of her discontent. A reeling drop into the emotional abyss. [It's] one of those time's in a person's life when a person truly finds out what they are made of. What's my mom made of you ask? Not sure, hopefully it's the stuff that bounces back...”

Week Nine

Journal Excerpt: “I just wrote a long and drawn out message on the bench at the Wood Dale Reservoir Bench about the great choice of going to a forest area type place and enjoying the planet for all its worth... the fuckin' birds and trees and water you dumb bastards!”

I was never much for vandalism. I always played things straight and narrow. Graffiti was not a verb for me. I... just happened to have a permanent marker at the time and well golly I felt inclined to write a message on that bench with all the other messages scribbled on wood. Always wanted to do that in some fashion. You know, leave a childish milestone scrawl in the vein of sticking your hand print in wet cement. I realize doing this has as much societal turnabout as those bathroom stall inquiries about “Having a good time with Suzy Snowgape” or announcing “Derek is a burly fag who likes mega dick” then listing some phone number. The social networking value of these kinds of expression is also quite low as well. For some reason I fantasized about another person seeing this bench prose of mine and finding it utterly charming causing them (an extremely attractive woman) to respond to it in hopes that we would them meet up for an arousing dose of whimsical conversation. In less than a month the bench would be painted over and I plus others would make other messages in hopes of rebelling against the totalitarian Park District people and their haughty pristine tableware. But they kept painting over them so I just kinda forgot about it after that. It was mildly amusing though and there is always something to be said for

that.

Speaking of the forest preserve, I planned an event on Facebook so that I could have a chance to hang out with some chummy charlatans in the midst of a floral and fruit filled fun blast. This gathering would be entitled “The First Annual Forest Preserve Freak Out”. I was going to find a big fruit bowl to share with my friends so that their bodies would be nourished in a healthy way. There would be kites and whiffle ball and Frisbee as we frolicked in the surrounding shrubbery. Zesty! I think the picture I found for the event was pretty damn appropriate for the zaniness I believed was forth coming:

[Pic of Freak Out Event]

The only thing that really worried me was the weather as rain seemed to be in the forecast and dancing and playing lawn sports in a storm always tears down the wonder of it all. But, eh whatev. This would be a party that I started the idea for and people would think I'm pretty cool for that guiding vision. Facebook had about seven people confirmed for the event and I could live with that. I was expecting more but that amount would be fine. So I walk to the forest preserve as I always do carrying the various party favors. I get there about at around 11am, sit down and start reading Kitchen Sink Magazine. I had on the event page that it would be starting at 12 and went until 8. One hour passes. No one. Two hours go by. No one. Three hours go by, I eat begin to eat some of the strawberries I purchased. Empty. Four hours go by. Some cars have pulled into the parking lot but the people inside were unknown to me when I saw them go and do their own forest activities. So half this event was now complete and I was the only person there. Don't mistake me, it was beautiful outside and he mag I was reading was so very interesting as always... but under the expectations of some kind of a friendly get together supposed to be happening all that kind of gets lost into a feeling of, I don't know, “embarrassment” is a word that people understand fairly well so I will have to settle for that word to describe my feelings at that point. Pretty sucky indeed. Then it started to rain.

I camped under a roofed bench area as I waited for any sign of people I knew. The next four hours passed and not a one showed. I played a little whiffle ball with myself for a while during the wait as I one hand tossed the ball into the air then pulled both hands back to give said ball a swift whack in an attempt to have it reach the outer layer of trees that lined the meadow I occupied. The ball never really went that far (maybe twenty to thirty feet at a time) so I took a lot of whacks to finally make it disappear into the foliage. Eight hours since I walked to the park and sadly there were no freak outs to be had at all making it the worst freak out ever to occur in the world's history of events. Damn. I was feeling down in this town, this...downtown. The walk home began as I trudged along in the sheer dramatic irony of the gray clouds and incessant rain. Not one of my finer moments but one that taught me a lesson that seems valuable to a young go getter such as myself: don't make some random FB event without booze and expect throngs of folks to show up. It just aint gonna happen Sally.

Week Ten

The next beguiling adventure that I chose to partake in was a send off to my friend Jesse as we were to go see his favorite band Incubus at the Charter One Pavilion in Chicago. My 2^nd time there after Music As a Weapon He was moving to Montana with his girlfriend Nikki and this would probably be the last time I would see him for awhile. I met Jesse back in junior high and we have been very good friends ever since. We had found the same things funny so it was only natural we would become friends. . I loved Incubus's “Nice to Know You” from their album Morning View so very much and still do. That song introduced me to what Incubus is known for, a kind sound that mixes the edginess of hard rock with the more ethereal feel of ambient noise best exemplified by their song “Aqueous Transmission” also from Morning View. They have gotten more poppy in recent years with songs like “Dig” and “Love Hurts” but they do it in a way where I think they still retain an identity. I had always wanted to see them and now would be the chance to do it, hooray!!! I think at this point I will go into my relationship with Jesse as that seems like it would be useful to fully describe it as best I can. As I mentioned before, Jesse and I met in junior high when he moved to Wood Dale from wherever he was from originally. We had a lot of crazy fun times in 7^th and Eighth grade as young men who were probably a bit too smart just throwing out whatever clearly silly ideas we could think of at lunch or during gym class. He was just too funny to ignore or be jealous of at all. There was this one kid named Blake that got a lot of our attention during our youth and into high school because of his awesome stupidity. I mean that in the nicest way possible of course. He would just say and do the weirdest things and it was great fodder for me and Jesse to riff upon. For instance:

When asked if he liked his nuts large sized he said, “Hey, my nuts are medium sized!”

My friend Chris said that one time they were both on the bus waiting to leave school when he spotted a flock of crows on the ground. So Chris appropriately remarked, “Look at those crows over there.” Blake: “HEY! Don't talk SHIT about CROWS!”

One time at Six Flags we were on a field trip with him and we all went up on this raising tower and we discussed the possibility of splitting someone in half with a tossed penny from a high altitude, such as the one we were ascending into. Blake proceeded to squeeze a penny through a crack in the shuttle door as we all sat there fairly shocked, you know, 'cause he might have just killed a guy.

Attempted to take a drink from a milk carton but failed once he forgot to open his mouth causing a large amount of milk to spill down his chin and all over his shirt. (That one's actually not true but after I made it up everyone had no trouble believing it!)

He punched Jesse once as we were waiting to file into the school... that caused the humorousness to fade into more seriousness due to this one act of violence. I believe they had to be sat a certain amount of distance from each other while in class. Ooops.

Eventually, when we got to high school he was caught with a hit list and was swiftly removed from his peers. I don't think he was actually going to do anything to support this list, I mean his personality didn't really fit that of a raging adolescent killer. He was more like a stupendously misunderstood jerk-a-doodle with very thick lenses which made his eyes look double in size from the magnification. Yeah, that sums him up well from my POV. I have seem him a few times since then. Whether it be walking around at a Wal-Mart with longer hair to somehow bumping into him for a matinée showing of Alien vs. Predator. I guess he was their to pick up zee ladies. Nice. He's sort of a legend among my friends of that time and you can't really understand me unless you hear about guys like Blake. Growing up with a guy like that at your side, you can't help but develop a certain type of humor for life and it's peoples.

But back to Sir Jesse. He didn't finish his time at my high school either. He was the 2^nd out of three guys that I was close to to leave before the end of sophomore year. The other I guess had gotten in trouble for spreading a rumor about a girl getting raped or some shit like that. That's freakin' high school for you I guess. Jesse didn't leave because of a school related issue but rather it was a situation that stemmed from his mother. He was also an only child with just his mom taking care of him so in that way we also bonded now that I think about it. Apparently one day she just left him alone with no money for food or anything, not to return. A real shame. No kid should have to have the carpet pulled out from under him like that. At the time I didn't fully understand how this was going to change his life so I wasn't really that affected when he didn't show up to school for a few days, then a few weeks and then not at all... until he came back for senior year to graduate with the friends who missed him. He had moved around to two other high schools since then and had lived with some relatives I guess. He was like me more than anyone else I knew and that sort of gave me insight on myself in a way that made me want to know him as long as I could. It was a relief to know that he was in a relatively good spot after what had happened. So we graduated together as the class of 2005 was put to rest as we went on with our lives... college, work, military whatever felt like a good idea at the time. We always stayed in touch on the phone though no matter where he was off to in his life. I guess he dropped outta community college once because his car broke down on the way there and he had no way of paying for it to be fixed so... that was pretty sad/depressing/funny/odd and it seemed to fit his character to a tee. Have I established this guy as a dear friend of mine yet? ... I have? Good. Let's get to the concert.

So I call up Jesse about a week before the concert to tell him that I am going and it turns out that he is now going out with a stripper named Nikki he met in Montana. I had never met a stripper before so I wasn't sure what to expect exactly when I met up with them on the day of the show. Would she be this buxom blond with grandiose sweater hams or something completely different? I walk into the food court and I see Jesse sitting with a woman that, couldn't be a stripper... she looks so wholesome and not overtly sexual at all. Don't get me wrong, she was still very attractive by American societal standards but she had that small town personality that made you forget her erotic profession. So we enjoy this beautiful July afternoon by walking down to the beach to get to Northerly Island for the show. Jesse tells “The Penguin” story which involves his first encounter with the O'Hare Girls massage parlor that left him waddling out of a bedroom with his pants down because his “worker” neglected to finish him off. He then revealed that this story was not true but I must admit he had me completely in belief as I was along the lines of other extremely entertaining tales involving his use of hallucinogens. “How long have I been putting this shirt on?” One of his best quotes. This day also resulted in my first feeling of my ass being grabbed. With Jesse and Nikki being a couple of course they were feelin' each other up a bit as we made our way through the concrete jungle of Chicago's bad-ass buildings on our way to the shore. I revealed that I never had had my ass grabbed before which they thought was odd since I did indeed have a girlfriend in the past. But about as soon as this shameful revelation had been made, I felt a swift clamp upon my right gluteus maximus. My ass had been grabbed! By a man! Ohhhh...hooray...thanks, Jesse.

So we allllllmost get very lost before I spot a map of the shore that shows that we are going in the wrong direction. Jesse hails a cab and we get to the venue a little early but we are not sitting together because we bought our tickets at different times. We thought we might be in the general admission section but this was not the case as I now had to sit next to a five piece Latino family, a drunk 40 year old couple and this teenage hippie girl. That kind of sucked, but whatever I mean I was just about to see Incubus live for the first time and this was something that made all annoyances fade away in due time. Opening for them was The Duke Spirit, a British pop band that hearkened back to the 60s in their kind of psychedelic new wavey style of rock. The young lady at the helm of this fivesome (Leila Moss) is almost like something Andy Warhol would have dreamed up in one of his abstract dreamy artistic projects with Edie Sedgwick batting her lavish lashes in a sea of chroma. Very cool. People weren't really responding to them, mostly because they weren't Incubus but they do have potential to be great. They have this song called “The Step and the Walk” which is a hypnotic and catchy tune that fully encapsulates their sound which really drew me to them. Here, watch this video to see for yourself: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXkefIGF2d4]

And now it was time for the main attraction, the big cheeses, the ones who we all came to see in the first place. These hippies from California with their DJ and shirtless torsos! The nerve! Haha. But they played all their singles mostly and it was a fairly enjoyable time but nothing too special like the Conor Oberst concert or anything but I was glad to finally get this band off of my proverbial “List of bands to see before death comes to snatch me away”. I spent most of the time trying to get the hippie girl next to me to notice my fly dancing skills but she had not interest. :( Incubus is a massively popular band and I guess people go to their concerts to hear stuff they are famous for, like “Pardon Me” “Stellar” “Megalomaniac” “Drive” “Circles” “Warning” and those are good songs but I have a great urging desire to hear some of their lesser known material live before I hear the same set of songs overdone to the extreme. I mean heck, they had just come out with an album with some new material on it so why couldn't they have played “Black Heart Inertia” or “Midnight Swim”? They did play one new song off there, “Let's Go Crazy” which was a Prince cover but their version of it is almost exactly like the original so I didn't really stir me that much into any type of frenzied purple haze indicative of your mind being blown. I even asked Jesse after the show and he said that out of the three times he had seen Incubus before this was the least enjoyable for him. I could see that. We were the last ones in the building after the show ended. Jesse had like 5 giant beers and he looked it. After the show I told him I wanted to have an hour straight conversation on how Incubus fit into the fabric of American music. He then said to Nikki, “See, I told you.” Oh... so he had told Nikki about our love of indepth chats, eh? Nice. You see, I love elongated face-to-faces about under the radar topics such as music, movies , video games, etc. Some would call it mind masturbation. Dirty projectors of filth! No, its just talking for awhile to get the brain working. I'm always up for that. But Jesse wasn't as we were asked to leave by the clean up crew. Nikki went to the washroom as me and Jesse debated the relevance of debating the existence of God. I said that there was no point because there was nothing I could do personally to change what already was the unforeseen truth...so maybe there's one topic I would avoid. Meh. Nikki comes out of the porta-John and embraces Jesse as I yelled out, “C'mon everybody, they haven't seen each other in ten years!” I got some looks from passerbys before we exited. It was a beautiful summer night to walk in the city with great friends and I was enjoying this moment a much as the concert . As we walked there were a lot of blunt circles lining the path away from the building and Nikki thought it would be fun to join one them to which I interjected, “Yeah, I'd be all like, 'You know, I don't think you are very good at ski ball!'(then later) 'Yeah I'd sex you...once!'” It was a funny time to be had.

The rest of the night consisted of going to an empty bar and talking up a foreign bartender, peeing under public walkways, looking up the tallest waterfall in the world to settle a bet (Angel Falls, Venezuela) singing the song “Liberate” by Disturbed as we walked downtown and spending about five hours in a diner because we missed the last trains home. Damn good tuna though...

So once the sun rose again we headed back to the train station to say our goodbyes. It would probably be the last time I would see Jesse for a while so it was kind of emotional for me at least. I gave them both big hugs and ran to try to catch my train. I missed it and had to wait another hour....Fuck you trains!

Goodbye Jesse, Nikki, Incubus, Duke Spirit and all sorts of fun...

Hello again, life.

Next up: A GIANT LOLLIPOP NAMED FESTIVAL OF SOUND! Holy Shit!

-Dan!